Let me just clarify that the following might not be 100% accurate as I received a much welcomed call from a gentleman friend during last night's episode. Therefore my mind was not entirely on the job at hand… that and the brain had also melted somewhat after viewing two hours of soaps (Mariah, in your own words, you're a div).

Here is what I do know for certain. Alan Cumming is just as creepy as I recall. Even his name forces a wince; therefore footage of him murmuring about housemates packages, coupled with his joy at being able to survey them change into their costumes, wasn't too welcomed. He decided to amuse himself by giving the housemates a character in which they had to incorporate into an overcomplicated play at the end of the day. Jeremy (wide-necked racing driver) was a boy from Alabama who ended up being harassed by Emilia (of the circus folk) who was dressed as some Monroe type movie starlet. Their flirtations instilled the urge to douse my eyeballs in detergent. Amy (CIA member/'cleaning lady') was a NYC career woman with a severely dodgy accent. Jay (fashion designer) and Nathan (speech impeded RnB singer) were super heroes. Calista (singer/sl*t empathiser) and Latoya (dancer with inane hair) were a mad scientist and her latest creation. Jade (fun time beauty queen) was a cave woman that had yet to master conversation. Victor (male version of Emilia) was some nemesis of the two superheroes. Anthony (the boxer) was an aging Southern belle by the name of Blanche. Liam (freak) was a surfer. If I've forgotten anyone it's because they're obviously not worth mentioning. OH, John, think he was some French inspector fellah that actually looked like a German Oliver Hardy.

Now this is where things become hazy due to aforementioned phone call. I missed their 10 minute improvised production which was FIERCELY upsetting *dances* but only half-missed the following. I'm ALMOST certain (and any feedback to the contrary would be much appreciated) that Liam is not a possible virgin like I mentioned yesterday… apparently the 19-year-old has slept with 20 women, 40 men, has enjoyed orgies and once attempted fornication with a cushion. OK, there's a bit of a question mark over the orgies claim 'cause I was only half listening and, you know, look at him, but the cushion violation is confirmed as they made reference to it on Big Brother's Big Mouth afterwards. I'm sure his 12 employees are seeing him in something of a new light right about now. WHY admit to something like that on national TV? Oh, of course, cause they're all wanton attention seeking harlots. Speaking of harlots; the male Emilia didn't seem happy with his little sister's behaviour and gave her a talking to. My but that white bikini is transparent.

Tonight, if you so wish, you can view Kelly Osbourne's cleavage demanding that the housemates mosh. Tomorrow's show is bound to be the best yet, for Russell Brand is currently in the hijacker's chair...