*UPDATED* Two years ago, "genius"/sh*tehawk chancer Lars Von Trier unleashed Antichrist on Cannes. Now he's back, complete with sensationalist film, "ironic" knuckle tattoo, virginal sort in the form of Kirsten Dunst, oh and Charlotte Gainsbourg again. Yep, she went back for more.

During his press conference yesterday, Lars had this to say: "I really wanted to be a Jew, and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because, you know, my family was German. Which also gave me some pleasure... What can I say? I understand Hitler, but I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely. But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end... He's not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit. But come on, I'm not for the Second World War, and I'm not against Jews... I am very much for Jews. No, not too much, because Israel is a pain in the ass.... How can I get out of this sentence?" By willing Mel Gibson to leap out of bush and high five you? Since that didn't happen, Lars settled for "Ok. I'm a Nazi."

Now that he got the sensationalist fascist quote of the way, the next port of call had to be a reference to his two female stars doing it. Of Charlotte clearly being a masochist, Von Trier said: "Now she wants more. That's how women are, and Charlotte is behind this. They want a really, really, really hardcore film this time, and I'm doing my best." Then he suggested that Dunst and Gainsbourg sign up to a "3 to 4 hour porn film with lots of uncomfortable sex... Yes. We Nazis like to do things on a big scale. Maybe I could do The Final Solution."

At least he did admit that his "new movie may be crap." As for his stars, well a post press conference Dunst said: "He likes to run his mouth. I think he dug himself a deep hole today." Indeed he did, one that won't see him in Cannes again - for today he has been banned. A statment from the festival's organisers says his remarks were "unacceptable, intolerable, and contrary to the ideals of humanity and generosity that preside over the very existence of the festival. The board of directors firmly condemns these comments and declares Lars Von Trier a persona non grata at the Festival de Cannes, with effect immediately." Well, he's finally got that reaction he's been after.

Amongst those who turned up for the premiere of Melancholia - before Lars was banned - included Gainsbourg's massive bump; Dunst in - miraculously - another dress that suited her; Jodie Foster (Mel didn't attend, he was in his hotel room, topless, goose stepping to Wagner); and Ronnie Wood alongside Ana Araujo's new hair.

Also featured in today's Cannes gallery fest - we have Mila Jovovitch, Eva Herzigova's legs, Kiera Chaplin, Peter Fonda, and various others at the premiere of La Conquete; George Clooney's (alleged - since they've not been photographed together since December) missus Elisabetta Canalis sticking her her arse out on Roberto Cavalli's yacht, before attending the latter's soiree (the guest list boasted Victoria Silvstedt, Bar Rafaeli, and Brooke Shields). Finally, we have those who pretended to eat at the de Grisogono dinner (Hofit Golan, Goldie Hawn, Boris Becker and presumably his missus, Karolina Kurkova's side-arse, Rob Lowe, Lady Victoria Hervey, Tamara Beckwith, Ivana Trump in yet more Bodicon :-/) and Naomi Campbell wrestling Quincy Jones) and poor Mischa Barton posing all alone on a deserted beach.