Jordan/Katie Price/Desperation Personified must be waking up happy (possibly under a dumpster) today; herself and her pair of commodities are one of the top entertainment stories gracing the tabloids, after a weekend of silicone globule flashing. The occasion (not that one's required) was Michelle Heaton's 30th birthday - which took place in no less than five venues (I swear, if five different venues paid Michelle and Jordan to turn up there I might have to impale my eyeball on of the many half-gnawed pens leaking across the desk.
When Jordan wasn't subtly drawing attention to her womanly wiles, starting conga lines with several male strangers, or rolling around the back of various cabs in a haze of hair and tulle, she was insulting fellow clubbers. According to The Mirror: "The girl came over to Jordan and Michelle's table and said she just wanted to say Happy birthday to Michelle, as it was her birthday too. But Jordan just snapped at her: 'Cut the c**p. Take the photo and f*** off.' The poor girl looked stunned and walked back to her party, (*croons*) holding back the tears."
Despite being as charming as your average intoxicate fishwife with two lifebuoys stuck under her apron, Jordan still believes she's a catch, and has even drawn up a wish list of prospective suitors (if she was in anyway self-aware she'd know this list would only serve as a warning those featured... which means the therapist she's currently seeing is doing a capital job). Speaking to Glamour Magazine, she said: "I've got so much to offer somebody. I can't wait to find that frog, kiss it and turn into a prince." So she can then say, "I made you what you are, how emasculating and, like, unattractive. I'm going to act like a lush until you break up with me."
When asked who she was hunting down, she reportedly yammered "Ronaldo!" Cause who wouldn't to be where Paris Hilton, and a load of ladies who demand payment for services, have been. He'd also be quite the roll model for her children. Jordan continued: "There's actually quite a few little footies I'd do (this coming from someone who bore a child for Dwight Yorke). I'd probably go back to Frank Lampard, finish what I started." As for others who've caught her half-hooded peeper: "Who knows? Maybe Simon Cowell." Kaz manay's so faking attractive, innit.
In response to Jordan's intention to bag herself a newly-single Lampard, the footballer's rep said: "She is wasting her time. He hasn't spoken to her for years and he has no intention of doing so. They were never any more than friends anyway."