In the (very croaky) words of Marty Whelan; "Oh, sweet divine, we didn't get through to the final." Marty, what with his indecipherable witterings stating the obvious, really is a master in the field of being a poor mans' Wogan. He even managed to inject surprise into his (seriously, why so croaky?!) voice when Norway was the last country to be torturously pulled from it's envelope by the combined efforts of painful presenters Jovana Jankovic and Zeljko Joksimovic. Lads, you're too good looking to even attempt being amusing. Just read your cue cards and leave the excruciatingly "quippy" improv to the average looking.
But back to the performance. Dustin and his gaggle were 10th to grace the stage out of the 19 countries to perform in the first semi-final. The second semi-final will be held on Thursday, with 43 finalists taking to the stage on Saturday... D'you remember the days of no semiers? When a grand total of 22 countries used to perform? When we used to win?! Gone are the heady days of 1987 when Logan squatted his heart out in Brussels, begging to be held. We got a whopping 172 points that year; a full 31 points more than Germany, our nearest rivals for first place (thank you, Wikipedia).
But I digress. Probably because I'm putting off talking about the performance... for we got booed. Even before Dustin sang. As soon as they announced Ireland was next up, we got booed. Unsurprisingly, we also got booed afterwards. It would appear you can't please some countries - we tried displaying our sincerely traditional side last year and came last. As a result, we try having a laugh this year by sending a turkey... and we're booed. To be fair, though, it's pretty hard to make out what Dustin's hammering out of his gob at the best of times. Therefore, all Europe really saw was two Quality Street clad ladies, strutting around the stage doing a vamped-up version of the 'Birdie Dance', bellowing 'Irelande dooOOOoouuuze POINTS!' while a squawking lump of beaked flesh undulated on top of a trolley. Here's the only footage of last night available at present. It's pretty pointless considering they've failed to mention which country is which, but there's no mistaking our entry; they literally gave us about two seconds screen time backstage. Now that you've sampled the horror, it's clear what we must do as a nation - beg Brian Kennedy to get on his knees again *shudders*.
Those who did get through to the final include (unfortunately I can't pass comment on all of them; there was much station hopping to preserve sanity): Greece (basically a pre-Kevin Federline Britney effort complete with American accent). Romania. Bosnia/Herzegovina (unnerving brother/sister ensemble. It's harrowing what struggle and war will do to a people). Finland (Lordi but without the masks. Presumably Norway voted for them). Russia. Israel (a herd of very attractive boys singing a song written by previous Eurovision winner, Dana International). Azerbaijan (I recall a lot of white going on. Was one of the blokes wearing angel wings?). Armenia. Poland (American transgender porn star). Norway (presumably Finland voted for them).
In the absence of our unique Turkey, we at entertainment.ie will be supporting the French entry on Saturday night. Vive la difference!