All the upstanding pillars of Hollywood rolled themselves out for Charlie Sheen's roast the other night. Charlie Sheen? Remember him? He was in the press every day for entire spring season? Winning? Tigerblood? Goddesses? He's the reason Ashton Kutcher is being paid waaay beyond his meagre abilities? Martin Sheen's son? There you go.
To put it one way, Kate Walsh was the only unsullied individual there. The rest... not quite so pure as the driven snow. We have Jon Lovitz, Richard Kind, Dawg the Bounty Hunter, and Slash. There all OK. Then we have Kristin Cavallari, Steve-O, the current purveyor of the highest form of hilarity (that being paedophilia and wife beating quips, naturellement) Seth McFarlane, Mike Tyson, Joe (recently arrested for holding a woman hostage) Francis, and just when you thought things couldn't get more skeezy... enter Ron Jeremy.
And then there was the finest example of feminism - Brooke Mueller, with her "I know, I know, I didn't think I'd be here either, you know - after the multiple death threats, the ongoing verbal abuse and the repeated stints in rehab. I may have self-respect issues, but don't I look respectable now? I'm mean, apart from the wild eyes? Like I'm going on safari around Sachs? I could be dressed like this one, or this one, or this one..."
Enough of the judgment. How did the roast itself go? We'll now hand you over to The Sun - who don't judge people at all - for further details.
"Sheen, who sat on stage in a huge throne, was introduced by host Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane. He told the audience: 'You've seen him on TV. You've seen him in movies. And if you are a prostitute, you have seen him point a gun at your head.' He also referred to an incident at Christmas 2009, when Charlie allegedly threatened Brooke with a knife, saying: 'She's here voluntarily, no one put a knife to her throat.' Actress Kate Walsh joined in, saying: 'Charlie is an amazing medical specimen. I guess that's what comes from waking up at the crack of crack.' Comedian Jon Lovitz later quipped: 'How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.' And stand-up comic Amy Schumer also made fun of the star by referencing his replacement on the TV show, Ashton Kutcher - who is married to Bruce Willis' ex-wife, Demi Moore. She said: 'Just like Bruce Willis, you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher'."
There were some funny lines, particularly the last one, but what did Charlie think of it all?
"Wow, what a night. Until tonight, I never realised how f***ed up I was. All this time I thought I was just having fun. The thing is once again, I come out unscathed. You can't hurt me. Hell, I can't even hurt me. Drugs couldn't kill me. Sex couldn't kill me. Two and a Half Men couldn't kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to kill me? I'm done with the winning cause I've already won. This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie Sheen. In here burns an internal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe."
Not like Charlie to go make a nice time a all weird and bit uncomfortable.