**WATCH FIRST EPISODE HERE.... THERE IS NO ESCAAAPE** (We'll really it's just Jedward and the model, but they're the most important bits innit)

Okkkaayy - it's nice that there's a half-fanciable model included in the line-up. In fact, he looks a bit like Alex from the Big Brother that Kate Whatsherface won. But I digress, point being - there's a nice picture in this gallery for you to linger over, 'cause it's wrong to perv over Jedward and the remainder are cretins.

We'll start off with the blokes. At this point I'd like to thank The Sun for collating the swathes of information about each contestant, half of which are strangers to me.

Bobby Sabel: He's the module. He's 25, from Landan, and he's been stomping the catwalks of New York, Paris and Milan for the likes of Ted Baker, eh, Levis... and Swatch?

Jedward: They're 19. They're ours. And they're favourites to win. And why wouldn't they be; they've got tiger tales, and ninja panda heads strapped to their feet, godnammit.

Lucien Laviscount: Used to be on Corrie apparently, but I'm struggling to remember him and I intermittently write about Soaps for a living... He's 19 and has also appeared on Grange Hill and Waterloo Road.

Darren Lyons: 46-year-old Aussie cyber skunk pap twat.

Paddy Doherty: 52-year-old you won't recognise even if you avidly watched My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

And that's the men. In short, Jedward are the most famous... now, to the ladies. It would seem someone, somewhere, at some point "chose" to spread the rumour that a blonde Pamela from Baywatch would be entering the house. Everyone "chose" to go with Pamela Anderson. Of course, in reality, it's David Hasselhoff's estranged wife...

Pamela Bach: 47-year-ol estranged wife of David Hasselhoff. She's also the women responsible for bringing two girls into the world who think they can sing.

Tara Reid: She's obviously getting paid a lot of money considering she cut her "impromptu" honeymoon short. She's 35(ish) and might have appeared in American Pie. She is the most  famous person in the house. Frightening.

Kerry Katona: No introduction necessary.

Amy Childs: Jordan's 21-year-old successor. She quit The Only Way is Essex to be on CBB. Good move.

Sally Bercow: 41. "Attention-seeking mum-of-three is the outspoken Labour-supporting wife of Speaker John, a former Tory MP." In her interview with Brian Dowling, she said: "I'm sure it will raise a few eyebrows in Parliament but I'm not my husband. I'm going in because I want to stick two fingers up at the Establishment."

To quote Jonathan Ross: "Just watched a little of Celeb Big Brother. Worst line-up ever." And it's not like him to state the obvious.

Shame we can't watch it ;-) *skips around office*