Are you sitting down? How silly of me, of course you are. Good. Something is about to happen which might shock just a little. I would like to go on record as saying that this Big Brother is the best one yet, despite it receiving the poorest ratings ever. There have been no nonsensical, repetitive fights as the housemates, between them, have a certain level of intellect. Due to this the poor ratings are understandable - who exactly is it meant to appeal to? The kind've person who enjoys watching zoo animals fight will be bored by this lot and anyone who'd appreciate their conversation wouldn't watch Big Brother in the first place.
Now, don't get me wrong, it's not mandatory viewing by any stretch but last night's show made me laugh out loud - thanks to art critic Brian Sewell. Initially he came across as plums personified but then whipped out a cracking sense of mirth, first informing the housemates they were all disappointments in his eyes. He put Emilia and Victor in charge of cooking a highbrow dinner, telling the latter he'd brought himself to people's attentions for all the wrong reasons and he was to treat his sister as an equal during the task. He summonsed Amy to the diary room and imparted that her art was a "delusion", anyone could be a conceptual artist as they largely produce "rubbish". She thanked him for this news. He called Liam to the diary room to taste wines for the dinner and proceeded to giggle a lot, asked Liam if he was drunk, and then heartily commended him on being woken up during a w*nk and continuing on regardless. Seriously, Brian Sewell, the art critic said: "D'yew knew when yew were wewken eep the ahther morning in the middle of hiving a w*nk and yew just wint on with it? I thought that was honesty." When he got little response from a shell-shocked (but mildly aroused) Liam, he said: "I'm not mocking you, I'm genuinely saying congratulations." Liam then went out and told the first people he encountered (Calista and John), he failed however to tell them they were in the same room at the time. Brian's last order involved the housemates having to dress as the opposite sex. Unsurprisingly, Liam and Anthony were the only males to oblige. The housemates ended their evening with some flirtatious petting in the bedroom (namely Jeremy petting Emilia and Anthony flirting with Calista).
The nominations will be announced tonight but we've been informed that the housemates didn't get to nominate - yesterday's Celebrity Big Brother hijacker Joan Rivers had that honour. Alongside Victor (who Anthony had to nominate during Andy McNab's hijack), the comedienne nominated Jeremy: "You have a great career ahead of you and I want to be the last person to give you a knock." Liam: "You took your career into your own hands" (BRILLIANT). Joan's final nomination was Emilia: "I want you to get out into the world and see that people can be nice to you and still be sh*ts. Don't be sweet; people will step all over you."