You know what it's like. You're watching a film with your parents. It's plodding along, nothing really happening - until there's a twelve-minute, uninterrupted sex scene and you're in the kitchen making tea and dealing with the awkwardness. Here's 10 to avoid or maybe watch alone...
10. Basic Instinct
It goes without saying that this film is absolutely filthy. Even the name itself just screams "extended sex scenes". So, if you're unlucky enough to find yourself watching this with an elder family member, here are a number of conversation topics you can discuss while Sharon Stone's vagina is on display:
The weather.
That man from down the road who had a heart-attack.
Your car and that weird noise coming from the clutch.
What your brother / sister / cousin is doing in college. He / She will never get a job from that, I tell you.
Didn't Mary / Joe put on weight recently?
9. Bound
Bound is in the category of films that are hidden in your Sky schedule. You'll never see this on RTE or TV3, so there's a good chance you won't have to sit through another extended sex scene involving two ladies. Again, if you're watching this with a family member and no obvious escape route is open to you, just use the conversation topics mentioned earlier. Or find a window and dive out of it.
8. Boogie Nights
"Is it real? It must be a fake." Thus begins the most awful conversation you will ever have with your Grand-Aunt Molly.
7. Last Tango In Paris
Much like Bound, this film is hidden amongst the Sky channels and will not crop in your average TV viewing. Why would your mother pick this one unwittingly, you ask? Marlon Brando is in it when he was young and didn't like Chevy Chase in Community. It's set in Paris. Paris is lovely. It's about dancing. Tango's a dance, right? So, Last Tango In Paris is actually about none of these things, but is in fact a Sergio Bertolucci arthouse film that featured actual sexual intercourse captured on film and was banned in Canada and France. So, avoid basically.
6. American Pie
"Oh I love Don McLean. Let's watch this." PLEASE GOD NO.
5. Risky Business
Ever wanted to see a teenage Tom Cruise get it on with a prostitute? Watch this and be horrified.
4. Pretty Woman
Everybody thinks Pretty Woman is a fun, kitsch 90's film that launched the career of Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. What people forget is that she was a HOOKER. And Richard Gere PAID for it. On the first night. And all subsequent nights, as well. Let that sink in for a moment.
3. True Lies
Jamie Lee-Curtis is a handsome woman. And she's not afraid to get her kit off. The dance sequence, now famous for both the song and, well, her mouth actions, is particularly scintillating. Just don't get caught watching it alone. Or with your parents.
2. Thomas Crown Affair
Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo get all lusty and make for awkward watching in this heist film that's often overlooked. If it isn't the dance sequence where you can see what Russo had for dinner or the massive sex scene involving a staircase, Thomas Crown Affair is one to skip over in favour of, well, anything.
1. Anti-Christ
Let's be clear. Nobody is ever going to say, "Hey Mom - let's watch a Lars Von Trier film!" unless they're talking to a rag-doll / some creepy item they call 'Mom'. So there's no way you could possibly land on this film by accident. However, if in the event you're caught watching this, please get in touch and describe how it went. There are sociologists that will be pouring over the levels of awkwardness you will have undoubtedly gone through afterwards.