"Hire me to bully your kid" - an advert on Craigslist
This is an excerpt from an ACTUAL ad that appeared on Craigslist. We've all come across child minding ads but have you ever come across an ad to hire someone to bully your kid? Well, now you have.
What we're wondering is, has any body hired him? Would you? Or do you find this not in the least bit funny?
Here is a shortened version:
I know how important it is to you that your children feel confident and safe in every pursuit and passion of their yougn lives and I am a firm believer that it takes a village. Teachers, tutors, big brother programs and coaches have proven time and again how instrumental they can be in helping children grow into positive, self-assured young adults who are capable of taking on whatever challenges life might throw in the way of their paths to excellence.
But let me perfectly clear, I am offering none of that.
I deal only in humiliation. My success is measured by broken spirits. Simply put, I want to bully your child regardless of age or gender and I will do it for only $9 per hour. For families with four kids or more, I offer a bully rate of $22.50 an hour.
I am an expert in several different types of belittlement, all of which will help make your kid better socially adjusted; I feel just as comfortable psychologically overwhelming your children as I do physically attacking them.
My other techniques include:
- Laughing at your child's hobbies.
- Licking every item in your child's lunch box.
- Mimicking your child when he or she cries and announcing, "This is you, this is how you look."
- Humiliating your child in a sport of his or her choosing.
- Making up an emasculating nickname for your child and creating a song around that nickname.
- Pointing out your child's physical insecurities and asking why that part of them is so weird.
- Pushing your child in a pool/dunking your child in a pool/insisting that your child peed in a pool when he or she did not.
- Calling your child's sports practices "rehearsals"/ Calling your child's play rehearsals "practices".
- Farting in a sleeping bag and trapping your child inside.
Plus several others. The tactics I refuse to use are bullying your child through social media or ridiculing your child in public. Shame is a lesson best learned in private, that way your kid can learn a valuable lesson without losing face around friends.
Ultimately, it's my primary objective to ensure that your children realize that maybe they haven't earned the praise with which they've been showered since infancy and that maybe they aren't destined for greatness.
From my clinically performed maltreatment, your kids will understand that pride isn't something they deserve without genuine achievement, and to ensure that happens your son or daughter needs someone they can hate to instill that lesson. Someone like me, the guy giving them a snow bath or throwing their ball over the fence (depending on teh season in which you choose to employ me).
So let me be the bad guy. I fully anticipate they will despise me for it but I also know that even through that hate I am making their lives better. In that sense, I am a lot like Batman. Batman or math. So please hire me. I'm willing to work with spouses too!
Story by Caroline Foran | 16:39 | Friday 22nd June 2012 | WTF
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