You know how Cheryl headed off to LA without either of her large wedding rocks (the pre-hairdresser garish heart one, and the guilty square one). Well, while she was enjoying a quiet nite oon the tooon, a couple of opportunists deemed her rings ripe for the picking.

"Raiders tried to steal Cheryl Cole's £310,000 wedding rings yesterday by breaking into the mansion she shares with cheating husband Ashley. The Chelsea star dialled 999 after being woken at 4.30am at the Surrey spread. Cops think the bandits struck after seeing photos of Cheryl, 26, flying out from Britain wearing neither of her two diamond rings. Love-rat soccer ace Cole was woken as a window was forced at the £4million mansion he shares with the betrayed Girls Aloud beauty. The shaken England ace called cops and told them: 'Please come quick. Someone's trying to break in'... Shamed star Cole bought the first, a £150,000 heart-shaped rock, for the couple's 2006 wedding. And he gave X Factor judge Cheryl a square-cut dazzler worth £160,000 in 2008 after he was exposed for romping with hairdresser Aimee Walton."

In other extramarital happenings:

1) The secretary bird Ashley diddled has been named, not that it matters. "The 30-year-old secretary's identity leaked out after football fans named her in online forums. She is alleged to be linked with at least two other Premier stars." She answers to Vicki Gough and she looks like your average bottle blonde who's had far too many late nights down the local. If anything, her picture being released will only further motivate delusional dimwits who are bound to think "Well, if she can bag a footballer, then am deffo givin' it a goooh." Check her out in The Sun if you have nothing better to be doing.

2) Cheryl is responding to Ashley's pleas for forgiveness: "She has started replying to Ashley's texts and although she is frosty with him (WWWOoOooOooo. THAT'll teach him....), she has accepted a line of communication. He is begging like a puppy. In the past that has meant things are going to work themselves out. Or, in plain terms, Cheryl is preparing to forgive... She is not going to let what is happening in her marriage damage her career. In fact quite the opposite." If they're referring to her career as a potential doormat then, yes, very successful.

3) Tiger Wood's wife, Elin, is refusing to take part in today's 'Me, Me, Me, Don't Ask Me Any Questions About Me' conference (the footage of which can be seen in Best Of The Web): "It's hard enough for her to make this marriage work after (a double digit assorment of cocktail waitresses, porn stars and hookers) what he did to her and their children. The last thing she wants to do right now is stand next to him, in front of him and the world's press. What message is she sending to her daughter and women and girls around the world?"

Um, the same message she'll send if she stays with him. But, hey, each to their own... life of mistrust and misery.