There was nary a 13 foot bath brimming with zomblings, nor a toilet masquerading as a stool to be seen during Lady GaGa's Royal Variety performance last night. She did, however, come dressed as an inflamed colon.

After she invited the Blackpool audience to "rattle" their jewellery, GaGa was hoisted twelve foot in the air to tinkle the ivories. No room for a porcelain bowel, there. Imagine the mess.

Afterwards, she stood in line with her fellow performers to meet The Queen, who reportedly ruptured into a giggle fit when GaGa bent herself into a courtesy. Also waiting to limply grasp a Royal mitt were Miley Cyrus (exhibiting more than her fair share of cleavage for a 16-year-old. Although she reportedly performed in leather hotpants, so this is positively demure in comparison); Peter (I love you after Friday's Late Late Show) Kay; a smug-looking Alexandra Burke; Anastacia; Chaka. Chaka. Chaka Kahn; Lulu; Bette Midler; Whoopie Goldberg (she's under there, somewhere); Michael Beeeeewbleeee; Katherine Jenkins; annnnnd to top off a line up which would set your granny's undergarments alight - Frank Carson.

Oh, and lest we forget, there were the actual winners of Britain's Got Talent - Diversity. According to The Sun, they "stole the show with their frenetic routine." I'd be dancing my pants off too if my next possible performance venue was Blackpool shopping centre... How does Simon Cowell sleep at night.

Maybe the dance troupe were hoping to impress the GaGa. Even wee Perri was giving her the glad eye. Surely she could throw them a few bob considering her management forked over £52k for her oversized bathroom suite as seen on Sunday's X Factor, and requested that it be "dumped" afterwards *sniggers*. A source said: "Throwing it away seemed a huge waste. So it's being stored in the props department for future use."

Perhaps they could use it as some sort of holding facility to contain Frank Carson and Anastacia before they're dug up for next year's extravaganza.

The Royal Variety Show will be screened Wednesday week, at 7.30pm on UTV.