According to an increasing number of televisual broadcasters, we the public are nothing but a ruck of mooing goons, chewing on the dribbling cud of - at best - mediocrity.

Channel 4 have given Peter Andre his own chat show. Individuals who thought Parky departing his purpose built interviewing chair - leaving Jonathan Ross at the number one spot - was nothing short of the breakdown of society, well, they've just after being slapped in the face with an especially humming fish.

A source speaking to one of the KRAYZEEEEE 3AM birds off The Mirror said: "He's a natural and is delighted that Channel 4 will give him free licence to grill his guests in an irreverent way. It will be a late night format aimed at the 16 to 30s. So he won’t have to mind his Ps and Qs and can have some fun in a series that's due to air just before Ross quits his BBC work." Yeeeeeaah. Is that wise? You know, having a dullard and a comparative genius sharing air time? Would it not only serve to highlight the presumed gross ineptitude that awaits?

In an aside of question marks, did anyone see Craig Doyle's new Saturday night venture? I found myself on the nod half way through and wound up in bed at 10.30pm. Not that he was boring per say. He is - of course - easy on the eye, but nobody likes a faker. Well, apart from the masses who don't know any better. Craig Doyle is not that saccharine, he is not that head cocked interested. The sooner he starts being himself the better... although the masses won't like that (he wasn't exactly hunted down to present the IFTAs again after his hilarious slag fest some years back [I'm desperately trying to locate the year, but all record of his stint presenting has vanished off the hinterwatch. It's not even on his Wikipedia page. Funny that], now was he) and he could find himself sans primetime slot. I give him three weeks before he cracks and starts asking house band chanteuse Roberta Howett how she feels her career is going in comparison to that of, let's say, fellow X Factor contestant Leona Lewis. Hey, he's already referred to the drummer as the Milky Bar Kid and rocked himself back and forth in front of LaToya Jackson's conspiracy theories. Let the rage out, Craig, let it out. My rage denied me a "writer's position" on Republic of Telly. I met with the producer this time last year and happened to inform him of my feelings regarding Neil Delamere. Needless to say, I never heard from him again, and I'm all the more happy for it. If you don't believe me, read Liam Fay's TV review in yesterday's Sunday Times Culture Magazine.

But back to Andre (we're clearly all about the 'flow' today); in the wild event of Peter actually be able to function as Channel 4's answer to Ross, it seems the broadcaster is intent on giving Andre a hard time... Behold the prospective guest list: Chris Moyles, Alexandra Burke, Mel B, Alicia Dixon... Kerry Katona. Even Ross on an extweemly cweative day couldn't glean intelligent conversation from that lot...

Silly me, that's the point. We viewers just love looking a load of boars baying at each other, especially when Sir David Attenborough isn't involved. Sure why else would a "mystery department store" enlist the wiles of Kerry Katona to sell their wares? Again, according to The Mirror: "Kerry has been approached by one exclusive store franchise to front a new campaign and cannot wait for it to be announced." Cool. I'd buy stuff I'm told I need off someone who's recently admitted to spending "three days at a time in bed doing coke and her kids knew if the bathroom door was locked they shouldn't go in." In fact, can I just shove some of my precious notes directly into Kerry's baggy knicker elastic, she doesn't even have to dance for it.