The Costume Institute Gala Benefit to celebrate the opening of the 'American Woman: Fashioning a National Identity' exhibition held at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York last night... In short, lookit the pretty dresses!
Usually it would take a lavish awards ceremony to lure such a myriad of names in their frilly best, so we've created our own.
The nominees for 'Most Subtle Employment Of The Slit' include: Emma Watson, Kate (I'm also covertly utilising my 'new' bosoms) Hudson, Kerry Washington and Katy Perry. Katy Perry is, of course, the winner.
'Aren't I as Pretty as a Picture' nominees include: Taylor Swift, Nicole Ritchie, Iman, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Marion Cotillard. And the winner is, surprisingly, Jennifer Lopez.
The shortlist for 'Good Lord, That's Busy' has been whittled down to: Kate Bosworth, Mila Kunis, Eva Mendes, Kristen Bell, Elizabeth Banks. And the winner is, Kristen Bell. It makes my eyes itch.
Those in the running for 'Should Have Worn Different Underwear' are: Gwen Stefanie, Diane Kruger, and Chloe Sevigny. The winner, Diane Kruger. I can get what the other pair are at, they're trying to make it 'fashion', but Kruger just looks pincered into an unforgiving strapless torture device.
The 'Come Up and See Me Sometime' (and bring a bra): Maggie Gyllenhall, Robin Tunney, and Vera Farmiga. No surprises for guessing the winner of that category.
'Help, I'm Wasting Away': Rachel Zoe, Emma Roberts, Jessica Stam, and Renee Zelwegger (don't believe me? Here she is from the back... assuming you can see through the tears Kirsten Stewart's ensemble is causing your eyes to produce.) There is no winner, for obvious reasons.
'Will Wonders Never Cease; I Almost Got it Right This time': Sarah Jessica Parker and Donatella Versache. The accolade goes to SJP after a litany of disasters.
'I'm a Model, and Can Therefore Get Away with Wearing Any Ole Random Shite': Gisele Bundchen, Kemp Muhl and Karolina Kurkova. Bundchen wins; she's showing more leg and her footwear is far superior.
'Sorry, But That's Bleedin' RANK': Rosario Dawson, Naomi Watts, January Jones, and Tina Fey. And the winner, by an absolute landslide, is Ms. Fey. A navy, ill-fitting jumpsuit and make up gun set to 'whore'. Tina, what the f*** are you at, woman?
There were, of course, some outright winners on the night also. They include:
'If You Can See a Hint of Arse Cheek, Your Dress is Too Short for a Ball at the Met' award: Blake Lively.
'There's a Woman with a Silver Scrotum In the Background of my Photo' award: Donna Karen.
'Yip, I'm Just Holding Up a Cardboard Cut Out as a Dress'award: Thandie Newton.
'I've Got Pockets, Therefore I'll Use Them to Highlight Just How Much I'm Enjoying This Experience' award: Carey Mulligan.
'Too Short, Yet Too Long': Eva Longoria (although it almost went to Rachel Bilson)
'I'm With Popeye': Sienna Miller
