X Factor and I'm a Celebrity have but two things in common. Firstly; they're both aired on ITV, and secondly; Tulisa and Helen Flanagan's overuse of the word 'ridiculous.' That's where the similarities end - apart from the repetitious format, that is. On the upside, I'm a Celebrity doesn't force you to get emotionally involved with any of the contestants, quite the opposite in fact. There's never any 'cue the emotive music' moments, instead you're invited to ridicule everyone involved, including Ant and Dec's matchy matchy outfits.
It also comes wrapped in the promise of naked bathing, and Helen's flailing bosoms mid-trail. On the downside, there's no chance of seeing Rylan cavorting on a treadmill on a self-illuminating fit-inducing jumpsuit.
So, for those of you not watching the X Factor but have a marginal interest in being kept in the loop for whatever reason; the two most talented contestants found themselves in the bottom two last night - that being Ella Henderson and James Arthur. Folk don't seem to have an issue with Rylan flying through week after week anymore, and that's because he provides the only morsel of entertainment. How Chris Maloney keeps creeping through week on week is starting to be a real bone of contention.
Now that Ella is gone, it looks like Jahmene Douglas is now in the running to win. Best get yourself in contact with Joe McElderry, Jahmene, he might have some pointers on dealing with instant fame followed swiftly by instant obscurity.
Over in Strictly land, Nicky Byrne managed to escape elimination by mounting the judges table and giving a delighted Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli a glimpse of his undercarriage. In the end, Daybreak's Richard Arnold couldn't compete with that level of showmanship and was sent home.
As for I'm a Celebrity; viewers got to see their first full trial last night, with Helen 'Startled Fishface' Flanagan winning all twelve stars in the first of her two Bush Tucker trials. She had "no choice" but to get a meal for every member of camp, what with Hugo drawling "If you come back to camp and say that you’ve failed then everyone will kick off. You can't freeze" before she headed off. David Haye added "It didn’t really matter before. Now we're hungry." Before licking his lips and squeezing some lemon juice into her fake tan.
Speaking of his pep talk, Hugo said: "In the first couple of days it was 'Helen ooh, are you OK poor princess?' I mean it's rubbish. To motivate someone, if being nice and softly softly doesn't work then you've got to nail it into them." Says the person born with silver spoons protruding from all orifices.
Trial number one involved Helen thrusting her head through various boxes containing a star and some critters, while also negotiating another handheld star through a maze. Trail number two, which took place live last night, wasn't quite so successful, with Helen more intent on pouting than actually lifting her limbs to catch stars. She had to endure a 'Bad Day at the Office', which involved various (as Hugo would put it) menial tasks, like filing, and using her own hands to type in her name. In the end, she got five stars, which is still a damn sight better than what she's been coming home with the past week (that being zilch).
Hey, and at least she didn't pull a McKeith and pull a 'fainting' fit on live TV, or channel a chakra tapping Sinitta.
Tonight sees the end of the public voting for Bushtucker Trials, so expect to see David Haye doing everything from now on. Instead, viewers will be invited to vote for which couple they'd like to see stay in the jungle, now that they've been paired off (David Haye is with Brian Conly; the Pussycat Doll is with Hugo, for her sins; Doctor Who's other half is the Ladette to Lady chef; Limahl paried himself with Helen; Charlie is with Linda; and it took me an unnaturally long time to remember who I was forgetting - Nadine is paired with the grumpy Darts champion).
I'm a Celebrity continues tonight on 3e and ITV from 9pm.