Uncle Boonmee

Q. What's it about?

A. I don't know.

Q. What happens?

A. Nothing.

Q. Is it any good?

A. No.

For those with some time to kill, here's the long version:

Did you hear the one about the dying man, the ghost and Bigfoot? A Palme d'Or winner at Cannes, there has been some hype foreshadowing this Thai film for reasons unknown (maybe it's that really cool poster). Uncle Boonmee (Saisaymar) is a Thai peasant farmer dying of kidney failure. As he prepares for his death he is visited by his deceased wife and his now feral son, who disappeared into the forest many years ago searching for a mysterious creature.

Uncle Boonmee... Is the reason mainstream audiences steer clear of arthouse releases, and who can blame them when a film like this scoops a major international award? You will hear this film described as 'mysterious', 'dreamlike', 'surreal', 'otherworldly', 'meditative', 'poetic', 'a mood piece', 'a think piece' and more, but they are just cute words to cover up the fact that nothing interesting happens in its 114 minute running time. Here are some real words to describe it: 'incoherent', 'dull' and 'impenetrable'. The story, and I'm using the term lightly, is opaque and engagement with the characters and Boonmee's impending death is kept at bay because of the film's emotional netherworld setting. It's easy to get on board with an elderly man preparing his soul for the next world, but it didn't have to be so dull.

Uncle Boonmee... Is one of those films where the director coincides length with depth - it may come in at under two hours but it doesn't fee like that because Weerasethakul likes to hang around in scenes waiting for an applause or a pat on the back. The opening scene sees an Ox tied to a tree, and another shot of an ox tied to a tree, and here's another shot of an ox tied to a tree (the ox eventually frees itself - horray! - a metaphor, one of many in this film, for Boonmee's soul escaping this world).

That's not to say everything here is horrible: Boonmee's conversation with his dead wife is touching, the night sequence at the waterfall looks absolutely gorgeous and there's a little humour when Boonmee worries about karma because he "killed too many communists... And bugs."

This would almost make you wish the next John Cena movie would hurry up and hit the cinemas. Almost.