I Love You, Beth Cooper

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Chris Columbus has written the timeless 80's flicks, The Goonies and Gremlins; productions that evoke that singular feeling of nostalgia that only a classic film from your childhood can provide. But while Columbus has shined as a writer in the past, he has never hit his stride as a helmer. Bicentennial Man, Nine Weeks, and the first two Harry Potters are some of the blandest cinematic incarnations your brain is ever likely to process. I Love You, Beth Cooper is easily the worst of the bunch, as Columbus directs in his usual bland style, but just, well, worse than usual. It's hard to believe this came from one of the writers of The Simpsons - Comic Book Guy would be at his most bitingly sarcastic upon viewing.

Opening in a similar fashion the far better John Cusack starrer, Say Anything, Valedictorian Dennis Coverman is about to make the most important speech of his life. As he steps up to the podium, his mind is full of encouragement from his mate to "do something memorable", so the love of his life (who naturally doesn't know he exists) Beth Cooper, will remember him in ten years time. When he professes his love for Beth, he also gives some other students a few home truths, which set in motion a chain of events that will see future medical student live all the experiences of high school he missed, in one night.

The thing about this self-professed comedy, is that it isn't just a boring or horribly made film, but actually painfully so. Columbus directs with uncertainty all the way through, and his seeming lack of confidence behind the camera seems to have seeped through to his perennially bemused looking cast. No one looks like they know what they're doing, which in turn makes the film as a whole feel incredibly awkward to sit through. Panettiere is trying desperately to be sexy and edgy, but comes off more like an insecure slut, while you don't so much root for the put upon geeky hero, as wish for his timely demise and the hands of the chasing, clichéd bully.

I Love You, Beth Cooper makes Porky's look like subtle exploration of teen love, directed by Ang Lee. So bad, you will feel compelled to ask for your money back. The worst film of the year so far, and sad reminder of the limited ability of Chris Columbus as a director. Avoid like a drunken hoodrat on a narrow staircase.