Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Oh, times have changed. This live-action outing for those violent, reptile inbetweeners gets a 12A rating, with Michelangelo’s nunchakus, the word ‘Ninja’ and gun-toting foot soldiers deemed okay now. While those remain there are changes afoot that may irk the purists, however with Shredder doing a Judge Dredd and giving us a look under the mask inside ten minutes.

After a brief intro that takes fans back to its comic origins, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles kicks off very April (Fox) heavy. She’s a puff-piece reporter for Channel 6 News but is more interested in investigating the Foot Clan, a new gang wreaking havoc in the city. Her big break comes when she follows the vigilantes taking the gang down and is surprised to find that they are, in fact, teenage mutant ninja turtles, who finally make their appearance after much delay.

It’s not as light as the original TV series but there is no attempt to darken things up with Michelangelo (voiced by Johnny Knoxville) being the comic relief he always is. Producer Michael Bay’s stamp is all over it: the shaky camera, the blitzy action, the Transformers sound effects, the penchant to leer at Megan Fox’s bum, and the inevitable climactic battle atop a building. In between the fast flowing dialogue, the busy story works like billy-o to tie everything in - April, Fichtner, the turtles, Splinter - when it should be doing something about putting some meat on the bad guy’s plans: what Shredder is about and what he’s up to falls somewhere between old and boring.

But it can be fun. If you have a rich businessman making public speeches about funding for his rich business, a business that promises to protect the city, and that rich businessman is played by one William Fichtner, you know something’s up. A little wink to the audience, that. And it’s got a pretty impressive chase sequence involving an articulated truck, rocket-firing jeeps, and a snowy mountainside - director Jonathan Liebesman (Wrath of the Titans, Battle Los Angeles) earning his corn during these exciting ten minutes. The turtles themselves are nicely rendered too.

It should appease its core audience - young boys and nostalgic men - but the novelty factor doesn’t last half as long as it should.