The world is full of genuine fears that are completely acceptable. Those creepy clowns hanging around towns in the UK and US? Totally rational to be freaked out by. Spiders? Well as long as they're appearing in our grapes, bananas and other foods and growing to the size of puppies, yeah, we're going to be scared. But there are other fears, fears that have no name because they are so fleeting and embarrassing but still so real, which need to be acknowledged.
When we began coming up with these, we didn't realise how much of our everyday fears exist because of public transport and commuting to and from work. To anyone who gets to work from home and avoid most of these, you don't know what you're missing.
The 'Is that smell me?' Fear
You know the one. You're on a bus, or you come in from being outdoors and you get a waft of something foul and think 'oh god, that stinks' and move on. And then five minutes later you get it again, even though you've moved. And then five minutes after that you get it a third time and suddenly the culprit goes from being some nasty imaginary person to possibly being you and apart from giving yourself a good smell in front of everyone, there's no way to verify if it is in fact you or not. Now the remedy for this is usually having an close friend with you who will be honest and either assuage or confirm your fears, but when this happens on a crowded bus on the way to work, there is nothing worse.
The 'Did I lock the door when I left the gaff or are all my worldly possessions currently winging their way to Done Deal?' Fear
The curse of early mornings and being human means that, for most of us, by the time you've managed to hurl yourself out of bed, into the shower, into something resembling decent and get out on the way to work before being late, your brain is really only catching up with all you've done. And then it hits you. Yes you had juice this morning and yes you brushed your teeth because you can unfortunately taste both mingling in your mouth and making you gag, and yes you put on deodorant because you've left white powdery smears of it all over your top, but did you close/lock the door when you left? Oh God, is it currently swinging in the breeze screaming 'Come and get it boys!' to any would-be thieves? Unless you share a home or have decent neighbours who you can text to check for you, this is one that lasts for a solid eight hours until you race home to find everything exactly as it should be and promise to mark the locking of the door in future, only to repeat it again the very next morning and pretty much every morning for the rest of your life.
The 'Did I turn off the immersion/unplug the hair straightener?' Fear
This one is really an extension of the previous fear, except that instead of robbery the fear is that you've just burnt down your home and all your belongings or that as you sit in the office, you're running up a mammoth bill and risking the wrath of an energy-efficient, penny-pinching immersion demon that you live with. The amount of journeys that have had false starts because someone had to go back and check whether or not something was unplugged or turned off is equal only to the amount of a bollocking you got for actually leaving something on that one time that still haunts you.
The 'I just forgot where I was and said/did something I only do in the comfort of my own home in public and did anyone see me?' Fear
We've all done this one. Whether it be in a shop, at your desk, at lunch, we've all gotten just a little too comfortable in our surroundings and forgotten that people can actually see us and the fact that we just plucked out a wad of eyelashes, picked off a crumb of food that fell onto our jumper at least an hour ago and ate it or just absentmindedly cleaned our plate with our finger because the sauce was too good and we're still hungry. Or those times you're listening to the radio or have a funny thought as you wander around outdoors and start laughing to yourself. And then the panicked, wide-eyed examination of the room begins, as you slowly scan the horizon for looks of disgust from those present and prepare for the onslaught of shame that is approaching. Nine times out of ten you'll have gotten away with it, but that one time is enough to put the fear of God in you for a lifetime.
The 'Can people hear what's playing on my headphones?' Fear
This one comes down to whether or not you can own your choice of music or have guilty pleasures that you hope no one will ever know, and usually happens when you're pinned in next to someone on public transport or in a lift that is particularly attractive and suddenly their opinion of you becomes all too important. Very rapidly you begin to sweat, and you try to surreptitiously change to something "cool" with revealing your phone's screen to those around you and the fact that you've been having a merry internal dance to some Taylor Swift to get you in the mood for the day. And in the end it's all just wasted energy because when said person alights before you, it's only then that you see they had their own headphones firmly jammed in and had been reading Fifty Shades of Grey and, really, you had nothing to worry about.
The 'Was I just snoring really loud when I fell asleep just there?' Fear
Again confined to modes of transport (we're sensing a theme here), this is the fear that usually succeeds 'The Nod' and you realise you definitely fell asleep for a good few minutes on whatever bus/train/plane you're on and thanks to your dry throat you were more than likely doing cartoon snores that would put a Panto giant to shame. That and you've probably drooled on yourself and also possibly muttered or twitched while dozing and now everyone around you thinks that you're that person. It doesn't help that most of us have at least one person from our daily commute that we see every day and who more than likely knows how much of an offender you are.
The 'Has my fly been open this entire time?' Fear
Oh this old chestnut has cursed us all since the invention of the zipper way back in 1890. Little did Whitcomb Judson know that when he invented the zip he was going to responsible for mini-shamings for more than a century. Usually when you catch it the initial pang is quite small, but once you've corrected the error, your mind goes into overdrive considering all the places you've been and people that may have witnessed you flying low until just now and the residual and potential shame is all too overwhelming. Buttons flies are all of our friends.
The 'Attempting to stand and walk while getting off the bus' Fear
Self-explanatory really. Nothing reduces even the most agile and athletic among us to toddlers like trying to get up and make your way off a moving bus does. Not only does the unpredictable and bouncing environment prove difficult to traverse, there's also innumerable obstacles that turn your everyday bus into a level on Wipeout.So that's why we all usually sit there full of angst, hoping that someone will get up before us and do all the hard work so we can just hop up once the bus has come to a nice stop. Evil? Possibly, but it's better than the alternative.
The 'Why is that person looking at me so intently?' Fear
This usually begins as something quite nice, as you make eye contact with someone and get a tiny thrill of 'Oh someone likes me', but then they keep looking and your perceived compliment becomes sheer terror at the fact that something is wrong with you and you just haven't realised it. Is it your hair? Is there something on or in it? Is an entire spinach leaf dangling from your mouth? Did you somehow smear some food across your upper lip into the most infamous of moustaches? The reality of the situation is that you've usually just reminded the stranger of someone they know but it's enough to give anyone a complex and have them rushing to the nearest reflective surface for reassurance. Thank God for front-facing cameras on phones. We'd be nervous wrecks without them.
The 'I'm after locking this bathroom door with a dodgy lock and I'm going to be trapped in here forever' Fear
Nothing makes for a more stressful trip to the loo than having locked the door with a stiff or stubborn lock and then having to face off with it in hopes of being released from your stinky prison. It's one of those times when the seconds turn into minutes and you find yourself considering how long you'll be able to survive in there and whether or not the tap water is drinkable and how long it will be until someone realises you're missing. This is doubly stressful when it's an airport or happens when you've somewhere to be very shortly. But the relief when that bastarding lock finally gives way is second only to the relief you just got from pegging it into that dodgy toilet in the first place.
