Ranty Pants | Who's Wearing Them This Week?

Words: Keith Farnan

A qualified litigator turned comedy A-lister, Keith Farnan's passionate, issue based, question-raising comedy elevates him above all others on both a national and international level. With the presidential race in full swing, he dons our coveted Ranty Pants to bemoan quite convincingly what he considers to be 'Seven Deadly Presidential Sins'... Enjoy!

Is it any wonder that there are seven presidential candidates for one of the highest offices in the land? 'Seven' has always been a significant number. In mysticism, in numerology and James Bond films. In Cantonese, 'seven' is a rude word, and while we don't want to start the campaign trail on a negative note, it is quite the curse on all our houses that we will have to listen to so many variations of 'hope, honour and glory' that each candidate will espouse. And let's not forget, 'Seven' was also the film that ended with Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box. Let's hope this doesn't come to that.

More significantly of course, there are Seven Deadly Sins. And so, this leads us nicely to the presidential candidates. First up there's 'Lust'. This must fall on the head of Michael D. Higgins with his wild lust for life and erudition and several other words that mean these things, that he would know, but no other mortal possibly could. The man is a powerhouse at the age of 77, (he's not, but it's a theme) flattening the lands with his words, his zest, his eyebrows and most of all his honour and nobility when he intervened to ensure that an opponent Senator Norris would receive backing from those under his influence.

Next up is 'Envy', an emotion Mary Davis must feel when she looks at the media circus chasing it's tail up so many different candidates trees and garnering them with column inches while she represents the simple notion of having worked most of her life for a neglected and disadvantaged area of society, (and no I don't mean Cork people for we are truly that, we're still stuck next to Kerry). Envious too she must be, (FYI some of this will be written in the style of Yoda) of the previous Mary's having already done the 'Mary Double'. Whether there's a triple in it is a long shot at this stage.

'Greed' goes to Dana, obviously. A Eurovision Song Contest Winner. A Member of the European Parliament. And now she wants to be president. Greedy Dana, Greedy! It'll just inspire Johnny Logan to run for his local county council. 

David Norris takes 'Pride' as he genuinely represents landmarks in Ireland's growth as a society. Instrumental in bringing Ireland out of the dark ages when he challenged the illegality of homosexuality in the European Courts not even a generation ago, many across the country would be proud to vote for a gay candidate (yes Mr. Mitchell, we'll get to you), but with lapses of judgment coming to the fore, we may have to wait. Pride, just before a fall.

Gay Mitchell gets 'Sloth', not for laziness, far from it. There's just something about the way he looks that's reminiscent of a three-toed sloth. Weirdly, he may the best suited for the job, having worked various corridors of power, he might actually know how to twist some ears. He reminds me of Lyndon Johnson. JFK was rock 'n' roll, but when it came to actually getting his legislative dreams delivered, Johnson was the quiet work and warhorse. Hmm, still like to see him climb a tree upside down though.

Sean Gallagher is presented with the 'Gluttony' trophy for rejecting the traditional route of actually putting up posters so people know who he is, and therefore landing the glutton for punishment award. As well as that, he keeps asking people what they want him to do to fix Ireland. He keeps walking around, out and about, even when it's raining. He seems honest, normal, and hardworking and he's gone into politics. Glutton!

What am I forgetting? Oh yes, 'Wrath'. Martin Mcguinness. Do you really need me to explain this one?

It's a seven horse race, seven ways to Sunday and seven hundred to one that it'll be a draw. To predict the outcome of this one, you might as well consult the seventh son of a seventh son on the seventh level of hell. Or an economist as they're sometimes called, but hey, that's another days work.

Keith Farnan takes his hit Edinburgh Fringe show 'Money Money Money' to the Project Arts Centre from the 19th-22nd of October. Book tickets here.

Story by EI Team | 09:00 | Tuesday 4th October 2011 | Comedy

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