Ranty Pants | Who's Wearing Them This Week?

Words: Eric Lalor
 
After picking up the entertainment.ie award for 'Irish Standup of the Year' in 2011, making him one of the most sought after acts in the country, Eric Lalor returns roots by bringing comedy back to the 'Mun. He has been well and truly Regenerated... but we all have to look back before we can move forward! Don't miss Eric in the Axis Ballymun on the 24th/25th and 26th of April for his 1pm shows. Below we reflect on the time he shared a good 'oul rant with us about, eh, dolphins.

Stand Up Comedian Eric Lalor Rants About The Evil Dolphin...

2007 was declared by the UN as the year of the Dolphin. The friendly, cuddly, intelligent dolphin. Why are we humans so fascinated, so in love with the dolphin - the mammal who, like the human, is one of the only species to have sex for pleasure and not just to pro-create? For years humans have eulogized about the mystique, the serenity and the healing qualities of the dolphin.

I, for one, think there's a darker side to the dolphin. The porpoise is a smaller cousin of the dolphin and does not have the same tastes, therefore is not a threat to the dolphin's food supply. However, for some inexplicable reason, the dolphin has been known to attack, maim and even kill many porpoises. But for what? Because the dolphin is a bully, that's why. He's all sweetness and light to us humans, with their playful antics and cheery demeanour...they seem to be genuine in their enjoyment of our company and are only too happy to please us. They would literally jump through hoops for us.

Think about it, though...You can almost imagine the schizo like tendencies of the dolphin. All happy and cheerful, clicking away happily with the humans above water, then poking his head under the water with evil intent, threatening the poor porpoise: "Don't move a f*cking inch tiny!! I'll deal with you in a minute!!"

Something dark lurks beneath. They are menacing. Almost Nazi-like in their relentless pursuit of our affection, whilst ruling with an iron fist below the surface. You may think this is too strong a description, but if you could pause for a minute and just even look at the word dolphin. A dolphin, Adolph…in Adolph in. You can see it now, the Nazi dolphin travelling around the sea, bed marking its victims for extermination by putting little starfish on their bodies.

Even the Ancient Greeks seemed to cop on to this fact and have indicated that the dolphin is the direct ascendant of pirates. Yes, pirates. At the time, the god of wine and mirth, Dionysis - not to be confused with the god of kidney failures, Dialysis - was sailing across the Med in a boat while disguised as a merchant seaman. The sailors on board were devious and kidnapped him with a view to selling him on as a slave and making a few quid. But Dionysis, being the god that he was, sussed the plan and used his super powers to ensure vines and branches appeared all over the boat. Lions, tigers and leopards appeared out of nowhere and the oars on the boat turned into giant snakes. The pirates, upon seeing this, freaked out and jumped into the sea where the sea god Poseidon turned them into dolphins forever destined to guide sailors and their boats home. Isn't that just a wonderful story? A brilliant, fantastic tale I think offerering irrefutable evidence that the Ancient Greeks were head and shoulders above everyone of their time - with their magic mushroom consumption.

As I said, the dolphin's famous for its sexual tendencies. They are even known to engage in foreplay, leaving us men ashamed and abashed! The Bottlenose dolphin is a species of dolphin who can't get enough sex. It even has sex with other species of dolphin and not always consensual. Yes, you heard right. The bottlenose dolphin is a well documented rapist. There you have a schizophrenic creature who likes to rape, assault and murder others. Friendly, me hole. Flipper the Ripper is here to stay and we better look out!

Story by EI Team | 09:00 | Wednesday 11th April 2012 | Comedy

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