Christian Talbot | Superheroes, Vampires and Zombies

Superheroes, Vampires and Zombies...Oh My.

It can't have escaped anyone's attention that "Batman Does Whatever" is released this weekend. It's been all over the media and tickets for the opening night are pretty much sold out already. Most of the country is going to see it tonight and no doubt all the enterprising burglars of Dublin will have a field day (lock your doors). I will of course go along and see it at some stage. I don't have much choice. My wife is a big Batman and Christian Bale fan so I pretty much have to go along (As a teenager she wanted to marry Christian Bale but then her name would have been Gayle Bale. I'd give her a divorce just to see that happen). I'll no doubt enjoy the film for what it is. Another overhyped American superhero movie that I can eat popcorn to, but that's as far as it goes.

I've never been a big superhero fan. I've never been into the comic books or the cartoons. I've never imagined myself as a superhero the way some kids do. This is mainly down to the fact that I'm a needy swine and wouldn't be happy having a secret identity. I'd want all the credit and adulation. The first time I'd do something awesome with my superpowers I'd give the game away. "Yeah that was me! Christian Talbot. I saved the planet from destruction. The Incredible Whinge was me all along. No need to thank me....where are you all going? Come back! I'm awesome....".

I don't view the new Batman, Spiderman or Avengers movies with the same enthusiasm as some others. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy them. They're grand. But I'm getting tired of them. I'm bored with superheroes. It sometimes seems that Marvel or DC based movies are the only thing that Hollywood is capable of churning out these days and I find that depressing. If it isn't a superhero movie, it's a zombie or vampire movie. I just don't get it. It's now gotten to the point where normally rational, intelligent adults that I know have actually drawn up detailed plans of action for what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse. They have shown me these plans and discussed them with me. One even asked me what my plan would be if zombies were to suddenly start roaming around my house with a bit of a goo on them for some brainz. My response was to say that I'd calmly sit down and realise that ZOMBIES ARE FICTIONAL AND DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST IN THE REAL WORLD WHERE YOU ARE CURRENTLY LIVING YOU DELUDED WEIRDO.

My worry is that the three genres of movie (Superhero, Zombie and Vampire) have become so ubiquitous that it's impossible for a movie to be made these days without one of them being included. I don't think any of my favourite films would get the green light to be made these days because of their non-inclusion. If they were they'd be ruined.

Vampire Taxi Driver - "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the f*ck do you think you're talking to?" (says Travis to a blank mirror. Vampires have no reflection. In hindsight this would work better as a visual gag).

Zombies Now - "I love the smell of brainz in the morning...smells like...brainz"

The Princess Bride Rises - "Hello. My name is Batman. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

Having said that there are a few films where vampires and zombies would have made a positive contribution.

Four Wedding and a Funeral - "Is it still raining? I hadn't noti.....argghhhhhhh...please no! Not my brainz"

Anything with Matthew Mcconaughey in it - *Matthew walks out into the sunlight and explodes into a burnt bloody mess as he's forgotten he's a vampire...again*

So when you're sitting watching Batman Remade Again on Friday. Think of me (you won't you'll be stuffing your face with popcorn) at home watching the Godfather triology on DVD again because that's the sort of film that just won't get made these days.

Christian supports Lloyd Langford at the Black Box in Belfast on Wednesday 18th of July and performs at the Burlesque and Cabaret Social Club in the Sugar Club on Saturday 21st of July

Story by EI Team | 09:00 | Friday 20th July 2012 | Comedy

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