Feardotcom

Viewer Rating:T Nels has rated Feardotcom rating: 1 Star

This truly is an exciting moment for me because today, at long last, I actually know what the single worst film I've ever seen is. Its a good feeling I'll say that much. Having said that, I'd always thought The Hottie and the Nottie would end up with the number one prize but, alas, it didn't quite make the cut. All jokes aside, Featdotcom is an absolute travesty. I have literally never seen a film this bad before, and I've seen the Passion of the Christ. The more I look back on the storyline of Feardotcom, the harder it becomes to work out a) just what the hell was going on and b) why oh why did they think it would work? I actually found myself wondering at various times what the actors themselves thought of the film and if they, too, realized it didn't make any bloody sense. The plot revolves around a bizarre and apparently haunted website. From the title of the film you might imagine the web address for the site to be fear.com. Unfortunately the writers didn't reach that conclusion themselves and the website is a actually called feardotcom.com. Thats right. Anyway, when people log on to this website they are greeted by a haunting woman dressed in a nurses outfit offering them the chance to watch. What it is you will be watching is not exactly specified, although the flashes of innocent victims being electrocuted and whatnot leave little to the imagination. Detective Mike Reilly, played terribly by Stephen Dorff, is called into action when the troubled individuals who do decide to 'watch' start dying 48 hours after logging on in the first place. The killer website is being operated by a sadistic murderer known as 'The Doctor' who Detective Mike Reilly has never been able to apprehend. Luckily for him he now finds himself accompanied in his investigation by Terry Huston from the Department of Health, played by Natascha McElhone. I can honestly say that her performance is the single worst example of acting in the history of cinema. Her inability to act is almost worth the title of the eighth wonder of the world, I would present her with the award myself tomorrow were it not for the fact that it would technically be a form of achievement. Its a very strange sensation seeing someone so utterly devoid of talent, although she was in The Truman Show so I'll let her off for now. With time running out and the bodies piling up, Mike and Terry must work together to bring the elusive doctor to justice. Unfortunately, they both paid feardotcom.com a little visit themselves and are forced to juggle an onslaught of disturbing hallucinations with the least convincing crime fighting performances since Sylvester Stallone in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Whats really infuriating is that this film actually had the budget to let them do something special. For all its flaws, and that's a lot of flaws, Feardotcom actually has the slick, glossy Hollywood shine that shows it hard a fair amount of money to burn. If only they had burnt their budget, then the world may have been spared such an excruciating mess of a film. There really is no obvious excuse for this monstrosity. Unless of course director William Malone fired the writing staff a few days into production and demanded a rewrite from a local team of mentally challenged tramps with a bad work ethic. Only homeless people tripping their heads off on high-grade battery acid could come up with the last 15 minutes of this film. The actual reason that people are dying from the website is so under-developed and so quickly left behind that you'll want to put your foot through your TV, even if its just to show that talentless Stephen Dorff what for. The absolute least that the writers could have given the viewer is a clever twist or some form of shocking revelation towards the end. This would have at least provided one redeeming feature. But it seems that was too much to ask. All I'll say in regards to the ending is that a major character dies during the final scuffle with the Doctor, and by that point, you won't even care. The one aspect of this film that actually surprised me was the lack of gratuitous violence, despite the 'torture-porn label that was slapped all over it when it came out. The torture is definitely going on, that much is clear, but most of it seems to be happening when the cameras aren't rolling. I could try for years on end and I still wouldn't really being able to truly convey the agonizing nature of Feardotcom. But I can do my darndest to stop people from experiencing it themselves. So heed my warning, if you want to see this film you will be subjected to 101 minutes of pure garbage. Not to mention acting that is so poor from start to finish, Paris Hilton herself would look down on it.

Review published on the 10 February 2010 20:27