World Premiere of VD: Roberts, Alba, Biel, Kutcher in Attendence

The romcom fodder was out in force last night for the World Premiere of Pay to Feel Inadequate on The Most Stilted/Malign Day of The Year. It also goes by the name Valentine's Day.

What we have here, ladies and gents, is a collection of some of the largest mouths in acting today. There are the two Jessicas, Beil and Alba, followed by Jennifer Garner, who was just pipped to the post by Anne Hathaway's mammoth yapper. Then there's the reigning queen of cavernous faces orifices - Julia Roberts, and her niece Emma (daughter of Eric) Roberts (who I assume Julia's started talking to again, otherwise this was an awkward moment. Doesn't it look like an awkward moment?)

It's not just the lady dramatis personae who are generous in the lip department, we've also got Taylor Lautner, Carter Jenkins  and Ashton Kutcher, whose wife just looked beyond elated that she didn't have to watch her husband fornicate with every female cast member this time around.

Shirley MacLaine tried her best to compete by slying out a tongue, but she needn't have bothered as she's got those twinkling eyes of hers, as does Bradley Cooper, while Dr. McDreamy Teeth dazzled with his gnashers (if you've yet to be blinded by them thanks to a passing bus, you can't miss them. They look tippexed in). Elsewhere, Topher Grace just looked creepy. In a nerdy, constipated way.

If you find this gallery of beautiful sorts far too painful to look at (especially given the abundance of hot pink dresses sported by lesser known individuals, one of which has turned me off my body butter, the other needs to fire Nicole Kidman's makeup artist), spare a thought for Mike who is being sent to London to interview a gaggle of them on Thursday. Yep, he'll be getting what they call "face time" with the likes of Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Alba in tandem, as well as a Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel tag team. No pressure.

I've been bleating at him to inform the Biel that her look on this occasion wasn't her finest. It's like what one of The Fire Gang off The Labyrinth would wear if invited to a formal event. While we're at it, the lipstick clashes with the eye shadow sickeningly. And the hair is of the Salt 'n Pepa era. But, of course, he's not listening. He's probably too busy penning pertinent questions, or possibly mentally auditioning his wardrobe garments that have a JT meets Affleck flair. He'd be right as well. if I were interviewing Jessica Alba, I'd be at home honing a life-sized papier mache body suit in the likeness of Cash Warren. Although she might find it a bit unnerving; an effigy of her husband silently offering her a cheeseburger before attempting to come on to her in a clumsy manner.