I miss Niamh Humphreys. Sure, I gave her a hard time, but last night's viewing was rather flat with her not monopolising the picture. At least we can still see her awkwardly marching across the IFSC bridge, and her little stumble towards the end. Naww.

In the absence of Niamh's light relief/thigh thumping idiocy, we had to make do with Kieran's witless machinations. If the 'professional poker player/engine behind the family business (they're "the leading" supplier of power tools in Munster by all accounts)' is deemed the most Machiavellian contestant, that's an embarrassment.

To the task: The two teams had to endure a power tool PR blast in Wood Quay, before choosing five tools per team to hawk to the public passing through two Woodies stores. Fusion were sent to Bray, while Elev8 were sent to Tallaght. Kieran, as he believed power tools were "totally my space, we've got this nailed. my family are one of the largest power tool distributers in Munster", was quite adamant about leading Fusion.

Elev8, however, had more of a reluctant leader. Pretty much everyone on the team, even Panos with his power tool phobia (his father near maimed himself with a Jigsaw [not the puzzle, the tool] when Panos was a little lad. The mere sight of a tool now sends him into a cold sweat, never mind handling one. I'll stop it there), put themselves forward for the task. When David Cashman failed to drop his hat in also, Panos said "and what about you, Dave." To which the Corkonian murmured something about being an "events manager" and hosting a day in Woodies wasn't an event itself. So they chose him to lead the event. How's that for Karma, Cahal...

Funnily enough, Dave turned out to be a rubbish TL. His event management skills amounted to spending about €50 on cheese and crackers; trying to get the only three people who had sold anything (those being Michelle, Will and the other Niamh) to abandon the shop to hand out flyers; and pocketing the €20 Michelle had allocated for the balloons (for the event) and then "forgetting" he had it, therefore resulting in her tears when the manager of Woodies requested payment. This lead to mentor Brian looming over Michelle, mumbling: "Here's €20 to pay off your debt, OK, now apologise to the man". It was reminiscent of pimp/prostitute/dealer scenario. Then again, I have a sordid mind. In the boardroom, Dave blamed the "high octane environment" of, eh, Woodies on his "forgetfulness" (man, Woodies in Bray and Tallaght must be MENTAL, cause the my local one in the 'Noggin is kerayzee - with all the helpful people in green t-shirts ignoring you, and the world famous Party Zone) Given the chance, he probably would have blamed the wildness of Woodies on his choice of spending a wedge on what Bill referred to as "mucky food" too. The makers of Dubliner Cheese will be chuffed.

As it turns out, Mr. Munster Power Tool was even a worse TL. Firstly, to lure in the punters of Woodies, he came up with a "how many nails in my box" competition, which they advertised on Ireland AM. The prize initially was for €200 worth of power tools (which he was going to buy with the seed money), however, when Ciara devised the idea of giving the public the choice of a signed Shamrock Rovers shirt, he saw dollar signs. He is, after all, a professional poker player. After repeatedly saying things like "if we can get someone to choose the shirt, the shirt is the way to go, we can keep the seed money" and employing a Hooper Man mascot (which I suspect was Martin King, any additional chance to be on the telly) to fling said shirt around the store's carpark - Tara was sufficiently brainwashed enough to "coach" a young Shamrock Rovers fan into "guessing" how many screws were in the box. Job done. This, to me, is just good business - everyone's happy and some extra money was hung onto. Bill, however, believed it to be "unettikell."

As it was a sales task, Cullen had to let the team with the most sales skidaddle off to the salubrious surroundings of, um, Howards Storage World for a kewking demonstraytion and a fowar cowarse meal. That honour went to Elev8, who sold €2,607 worth of product to Fusion's measly €1,114.

Instead of hauling Niagete (one sale) and Caroline (zero sales, despite wearing bet on jeans, hooker heels and tying her t-shirt into a belly knot) back into the boardroom with him, the calculating mind who once won a reported €150k at a poker tournament, brought back in Tara (two sales) and Ciara (three sales. The most sales in the team). To quote both of those ladies: "You've made a show of yerself."

Kieran, the man who once said "It's in my nature to play mind games, it's innate, it's like breathing", then went on to dis Ciara's selling skills before calling Tara "immoral" for coercing a child into nabbing a signed jersey. Needless to say, the tool was sent packing.

Line of the night: Kieran coming out of the boardroom before getting fired, saying "I'm getting fairly sick of making this f*cking walk."

The Apprentice Round Up: Week Three