Late Late Toy Show Poll

Was it just me, or was Tubs a bit frightening on Friday night? I was looking forward to the Toy Show for the first time in ten years (Pat looming over children, asking them to show him their toys was personally too unnerving to watch). We got no Christmas Jumper, despite much talk of one. Instead we were met with a sack imbued with a colour akin to a glass of mulled wine that has been left idle for the last 11 months.

We were also met with a seriously over-caffeinated uncle, who kept bidding the kids a hearty "good morning", followed swiftly with a bewildered apology: "I, I don't know why I keep doing that." Because you're teeming with nerves to the point of implosion? Or did you simply have too much to get through? Perhaps the producers said: "Now Ryan, we need to get through approximately 135 toys, otherwise we'll be unable to give a box of Tayto to everyone in the audience..."

The only brief moments of reprieve was when one or two of the kids managed to take the mick out of him. You could almost see his brain take a load off as his frame reclined backwards; "OHH, thank Christ, a kid ripping the piss out of me, that's preferable to me pulling a face when telling Isabelle she has a lovely laugh." Ryan didn't quite know who to cater to. Should he be sarcastic for his older audience? But being sarcastic with kids is a minefield - most kids get confused and a bit freaked when met with sarcasm, while adults feel intense shame for giggling.

Thankfully, Ryan's gaggle of kiddies were typically overconfident sorts, who were well able for the fraught host, with the exception of Shane Filan's wee daughter, Nicole. Nicole looked petrified. There she was, sandwiched between a gibbering mess and someone from Westlife. Who could blame her. Then she was asked to stay on the couch with the twitching stranger while her dad headed off to bang out his new single onstage.  "Do you want to stay here with me while daddy goes and sings a song?!" *tumbleweeds*

We had nearly two hours of watching Tubridy whirlwind his way around the studio - fiddling with malfunctioning toys, starting conversations with one set of kids before being told he should, in fact, be telling everyone in the audience they were bringing home an animatronic kitten along with their crate of crisps - before the "highlight" of the night appeared. Bronze lame encased lambs, John and Edward. They jumped in an out of shot, nearly instilling seizures in several cameramen, before John propelled himself into a handstand, followed by the splits, which resulted in probably the first broadcasted expletive in Toy Show history: "Oh shit! Sorry. I ripped my pants." And what pants they were. Unfortunately, the Jedward experience was over before it began. Approximately sixty seconds of mindless banter ("OH MY GOD WE'RE ON THE TOY SHOW! This is like a dream! I bought these shoes with wings on them but they don't work. We've just been signing loads of autographs, my hand is sore but who cares. Edward, stop attention seeking. OK I'll stand here"... and so on) in which Tubs looked like he was watching a tennis match on high speed rewind. Surprisingly, they were the only tuneless sorts who weren't invited to sing.

There were, of course, other dubious highlights on display; a little girl on a trike who reeled off every county in the country; a boy dressed like Freddie Kruger who has a bell tower to visit come adulthood (he was particularly enamoured with a gun, which caused Ryan to nervously comment: "You're not an assassin, are you?" to which the Kruger child replied: "No, well I'm under 18", while he silently picked off audience members); some girl informing Tubs that her parrot was dead when asked how it was up to nowadays; and another young girl who said she wanted a pet for Christmas but her mum wouldn't let her. This obviously entitled Ryan to say: "OK, look into the camera there and tell your mummy that you reeeeally want a pet for Christmas." The girl naturally complied, which left Ryan with feelings of remorse: "Eh, no pressure mum... Sorry, that was a bit weird."

The irrefutable highpoint of the evening was a wee book reviewer, who went by the unlikely name of John Joe. John Joe wants to be an horologist when get grows up, but I suspect he's got the mental age of your average 45-year-old such was his demeanor. There was a touch of James Harris about him, the child antiques dealer from the 80s? Not that we're insinuating that John Joe will change his name to Lauren after some slight alterations and move to LA in his adulthood, we're just saying there's something extremely charming about him. So charming, in fact, that his clip has been viewed nearly 70,000 times on YouTube (the footage of which you can have a hawk at here) and he's got over 20,000 friends on a Facebook page entitled I Want John Joe From The Late Late Toy Show to Fix My Clocks.

As for Tubridy, in hindsight, we have to say fair play. It can't be easy having to showcase toy, after toy, after toy, after toy, after toy, after game, after toy, after book, after toy, after tonedeaf singing act from the midlands, after toy, for nearly three hours straight. But best lay off the stimulants next year, eh?