Katie Price Leaves Jungle - Nation Ambivalent Because of Post-Jedward Numbness

It was the Kangaroo testicles that did it. Katie Price, historically not that adverse to testicles in general, left the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here last night complaining of being singled out by a public only too happy to force her to ingest various Kangaroo private parts, or be lowered into a pit of pythons. In fact, Price was subjected to SEVEN Bushtucker Trials in a row in what seems to be some sort of ritualistic punishment prescribed to her by the viewing public.

At 3am today Irish time, an official spokesman for ITV said "I can confirm that Katie Price has left the jungle", in spite of officials pleading with the glamour model for more than two hours to stay and fulfil her contractual obligations.

"Please, I've had enough. Everyone else, give them something to do. You've seen me struggle, you've seen me cry, shake, want to die", Price pleaded over the weekend with what is sure to be the chorus to her first post-jungle single. "I really don't want to be doing this. I miss my children. I'm hungry."

"Oh, you're hungry are you?" screamed the British public en masse. "Here, you can eat Skippy's balls. Problem solved."

Earlier in the weekend she pleaded with viewers to stop voting for her, but that was seen as more of a call to arms than anything else. The public refused to relent, simply marvelling in their collective power to be able to subject Jordan to various degrees of indignation on live television.

Dump Peter Andre, will you?! Okay, we'll make you drink some crushed beetles. Don't mess with us sweetheart, we've got phone lines and we're not afraid to use 'em.

The knock on effect of this saga is that the show's rating will plummet considerably now that Jordan isn't there anymore to prance around in a bikini and put random things in her mouth. That is of course until the show's producers realise this and drown Samantha Fox in a vat of crocodile piss on live television.

-John Balfe