British Government Bickers Over Jedward's Elimination

In what will likely go down as one of the most traumatising weeks in Irish history, the sublimely talented musicians known collectively as Jedward have been eliminated from The X Factor. Only a few days removed from Thierry Henry eliminating Ireland from the World Cup with two casual flicks of his wrist, the nation has once again been plunged into a state of mourning with the news that the Irish heroes (and probable future St Patrick's Day parade leaders) had been cast asunder from the show, like some sort of public surgical separation of conjoined twins.

The twins were finally voted off the show last night after surviving public vote for weeks by the skin of their teeth. Their final performance was Boyzone's ballad "No Matter What", a strange choice which served to highlight the fact that Jedward can't sing. At all. They're good at pretending to be Ghostbusters, though. And if that isn't enough to earn a record deal, I don't know what is.

So what is next for Jedward? They have plenty of options. There's a live X Factor tour in 2010 in which they're sure to appear, then there'll inevitably be the aforementioned St Patrick's Day parade duties. Logically, the next step would be for them to star on RTE's Anonymous where Jason Byrne will make them say the word "willy" to unsuspecting members of the public. Following that, they'll be hopelessly out of their depth on The Panel while Ed Byrne (also hopelessly out of his depth) repeatedly attempts to make jokes about their hair.

The British Government has gotten in on the act first, though. The Conservatives have released a picture mocking Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling, superimposing their faces onto pictures of Jedward, along with the slogan "Jedward are gone...but we're still left with DEADWOOD!"

The Labour response to this zinger? "We did this two weeks ago". Heavens.. Odd, considering that Gordon Brown has gone on record saying he's not a fan. David Cameron has admitted being "addicted" to them. Presumably that's meant in the Robert Palmer "Addicted To Love" sense as opposed to the Whitney Houston "I'm addicted to crack cocaine" sense.

-John Balfe