Big Brother blasts off for the final time EVAH tonight. Should I cover if for ole time's sake? Not likely... I might give a rundown of who enters the house and then leave it at that. We shall see, I might prefer to spend this evening's launch party face down in a trough filled with eye-searing swill.

According to various sources, prospective housemates could include a little person, and a set of twins from... you'll never guess where... *starts lacing up the hornpipe brogues*... diddlediddlediDDLEDIDDLEIRELAND!!! But they're, like, totally not Jedward. Nope, they're entirely different teenage twins called John and Patrick.

The twins from Tipp said: "Yes we are twins, we are from Ireland, but we don't like being compared to Jedward. We have our own styles. We actually auditioned for the show last year, but we had exams and stuff. So no, we are not fame hungry and trying to be like Jedward. It really annoys us because the press keep comparing us to them and won't treat us as individuals (well, you're twins, surely that comes with the territory). We could be separated with only one of us going into the house, but if we go in together, we would give Jedward a run for their money! A lot of people think we have these striking features and that we could be models, but I'm not into that sort of stuff. It's hard to explain, but I want to be myself. I want to show everyone what the Irish craic is all about."

Yeah, just like Spiral. Spiral was a great representative of the Irish craic...

Moving on to the house itself, this is what it'll look like this year - the inside of a dimly lit Rubik's cube by way of Stillorgan's Peppermint Garden (circa 1987, and made entirely out of MDF) fornicating with Kit and/or a broken lava lamp sitting in Max Branning's boudoir/a public toilet frequented by junkies. If you need further convincing, check out the living room, the bedroom , the bathroom and the entrance. The garden, meanwhile, is an ode to In The Night Garden in which Iggle Piggle gets harassed by some wild chickens and a bear. Worry not, though, he can seen refuge in the snug (coincidentally resembling a rudimentary clay pipe), the interior of which has been decorated by a team of spiders with sizeable dose of the skitters.

Big Brother, staying classy 'til the end.