Firstly, if you're looking for a list of winners and round up of last night's ceremony, we have that very information to hand here. Now, on to the important stuff.

Kate Winslet, what have you done... Really, what have you done to your face? I can't quite put my finger on it, but everything seems more taut. And smooth. You look like a variant of your former self, like Uma Thurman did when she presented Vanessa Redgrave with her Fellowship. Otherworldly. In an alien way. Interesting Stella McCartney number, though. Interesting in a "Hmmm, how can one garment look so matt" way. Perhaps Mickey Rourke could throw you a few pointers *paws blindly for sunglasses*

Kristen Stewart, apologies, but this dress just makes you look like a heaving pair of shoulders. Especially during your Rising Star acceptance speech. It also washes you out no end.
Robert Pattinson, stand back from the (on can only hope) Bryl Cream.
Quentin Tarantino, cheer up, you are the centre of Christroph Waltz's universe.
Anna Kendrick, too busy in the dress department. You've got a pretty face (here), let that do the talking next time.
Romolo Garai, consider less clunky footwear next time, especially if you're going for that hairdo again. It's like your feet and your bun are fighting for attention and in between is this cacophony of flora.
Jolie Richardson, you look etheral in Catherine Walker.
Claudia Winkleman, still looking for a hairbrush I see? You won't find one in there. Other than that, put a bit of effort it, it's the BAFTAs, woman, not a pre-recording of 8 Out of Ten Cats.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, please give the startled wildlife theme a miss in future. If you can't help it, perhaps avoid being snapped; you are the most unphotogenic beautiful person I've come across. See Margot Stilley and yer wan off EastEnders who won't be invited to the BAFTAS next year as she's off to persue a pop career? That's the only acceptable form of (presumably) faux wildlife that should grace a red carpet. And did you sport fake arms a la Father Ted for the evening (they were in serious GI Joe mode for most of the photographs)... In that event, where are you hiding the remote control for your girlfriend?
Olivia Williams, too much information, especially for February.
Jamie Winstone, I know it's McQueen, but that doesn't stop it from being too bunchy, too beige, too blurgh. But it is infinitely better than this. Good lord, lady, even your face is ruched.
Anne Marie Duff, exquisite use of pregnancy boobs. Bravo *applaudes uproariously for several minutes*
Jodie Whittaker, that's a nice speeeeeearkally nose bag for a large camel.
Gabourey Sidibe, personally I think you were robbed of Best Actress.
Edith Bowmen, an improvement but still wrong. it's the make up this time, too harsh. And the plaited hair doesn't look the best head on. You could've taken a leaf out of T4's Jameela Jamil's book and forever get yourself photographed on the left hand side.
Saoirse Ronan, you manage to pull off this overly ruffled Burberry affair, purely because your so beautifully understated in every other sense. The belt, however, looks like an adapted elephant trunk.
Trudie Styler, your hair looks like advanced road kill. A great endorsement for a Victoria Beckham design.
Audrey Tautou, just as well your French. Few other nations could pull this off.
Sam Taylor Wallpaper from the set of Max Branning's old bachelor pad.
AAARRGGHHHH
Kristen Scott Thomas... are they palazzo pants?
Jane Goldman, is Wossy into technicoloured homages to Cinders? Or just baps?
My, Bonnie Wright, how you've grown. Just make sure never to put them through this.... You there, guest, I'm guessing your left breast isn't on speaking terms with you today, while the right one barely has the energy to console its partner.
Tamsin Egerton, I'm sure you had boobs upon last inspection. The bag is quite agreeable, however.
Vera Famiga, there's no chance of you getting up in the air in this cumbersome yoke.
Lynn Collins (insert usual quip involving a walking red carpet avec curtain tie and clutch)
Carey Mulligan, an engrossing Vionnet ensemble, but I don't think anyone really wanted to see your footwear that much.