All I Know Is That There Were Rumours...

That the X Factor finalists have been forced to move from their house after crowds of school-going sorts gathered outside yesterday...  The police arrived on the scene only to discover the house empty... That Paul McCartney was responsible for Woody Harrelson's novel explanation as to why he punched a pap in an airport last April: "I went to my favorite restau rant in New York and Paul McCartney was there. He was like, 'Just say you mistook him for a zombie.' I had the press release written before I went to bed"... That said press release contained the immortal line: "I quite understandably mistook him for a zombie"... That Zombieland is (funnily enough) released in cinemas today... That Mischa Barton was seen getting out of a taxi in front of the Black and White Bar on New York's East 10th Street, yelling, "I need a drink!"... That Bruce Forsyth has released a statement after people complained about him defending Anton Du Beke's "paki' comment... Bruce said at the time: "We used to have a sense of humour about this. You go back 25, 30, 40 years and there has always been a bit of humour about the whole thing"... Brucie was fondly recalling the likes of Till Death Do Us Part, and a time when he was still relevant... That some lunatic has let Ozzy Osbourne pass his driving test... That Ozzy has tried many times to pass, saying: "I've lost count how many times. I remember one time I was doing the three-point turn and I passed out because I'd been to the doctor's earlier and got some Valium for my nerves. Some examiners would say: 'I'm not even getting in the car with you'"... That Ryan Tubridy will be talking to Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne on the Late Late Show tonight... That Tubs will also be talking to former Taoiseach/sh*tebag chancer Bertie Ahern, "who recently launched his autobiography (which is entirely made of recycled brown envelopes, folks)".... We're crossing various digits for another Brian Cowen type grilling... That Adele said: "I moved out and tried to be all cool and student-esque and I couldn't do it, and she couldn't do it either. So we'll be living together again soon. Plus I wasn't very good at the housework"...  That Nicolas Cage owes $6,617,550.84 in back taxes... That Bryan Abrams from 90s band Colour Me Bad is now "hoping to land a job keeping inmates in line at a local correctional facility"... That AranMan won't be coming across with any predictions this week, partly due to the fact that there's no premiership matches on this weekend, but mainly due to the minor detail that he's gone missing. Upon hearing from a fellow islander that Kelly Rowland was due to be picked for the Irish side to play tomorrow's match, he wildly ran barechested towards the beach, and started digging for what one can only presume was a partly submerged bottle of poitin to aid his inevitable downward spiral... It's well documented that AranMan is more of a Beyonce fan, as (and I quote) "she has strong, striking thighs and shins any right minded goalie would covet... That Derren Brown does a mean Stewie Griffin impression - only he's a wee bit more self-deprecating...
 

MORE RUMOURS...