Nnnnnnggh, Kim Kardashian looks like she's fallen backwards through a Peruvian rug shop.... Hnnnnnnnghher Jenner sandwich is straight from the murky recesses of Studio 54 circa 1983.... mmMMmmmmmaaaaarrgh it doesn't matter how wide Taylor Swift's stance is, the camel hoof will never leave 'cause she's essentially wearing upholstery... GGGggaaaaahhhh, Speaking of upholstery, Miley Cyrus came as the pleather interior of a Ford Escort! KATY PERRY AND RIFF RAFF ARE DENIM'S WORST NIGHTMARE!!!

Ok... ok.... ok. Apologies for that nasty bout of Red Carpet tourettes. Not sure if you've noticed, but in recent times I've actively tried to be nicer about red carpet outfits. Why? Because the general consensus (mine included) is that a woman being bitchy about another woman's outfit is now slightly archaic. It's shooting fish in a barrel, it's too easy, there's no imagination there.

In this instance, however, what's a hack meant to do when she's not been given anything to work with?! EVERYBODY LOOKS A BIT HORRENDOUS. Apart from Julianne Hough (and they're even giving her a hard time out there). J Lo and Iggy Azalea look very glamorous, but I can't help feeling they're about to fight to the death during a Vegas inspired magic trick taking place on the holodeck of the Starship Enterprise, while Amber Rose creates some sort of 'distraction.'

We could revert to type and state the obvious about Solange Knowles, Gwen 'Bertie Bassett' Stefani, and Victoria Justice's handbag, or we could simply invite you to look at the photos and draw your own conclusions - without the side order of sarky wagon. We'll probably go for the latter; we've said too much already and - to be honest - I'm afraid if I properly start I won't be able to stop.

Chris Brown mistakes Rita Ora for Rihanna on last night's MTV VMA Red Carpet