So let's put this whole thing into perspective. Wayne Rooney isn't blessed in the looks department, seeing as he resembles one large green animated film character that has a Scottish accent and lives Far Far Away. He has large ears (again, very Shrek esque), looks like he smells like an old man's fart, and has one heck of a hairy chest (you only have to look at the Powerade advert in which he has his top off *hurls*) So how in God's name did he bag Coleen, get jiggy with a fifty year old granny, manage to have a threesome with some pretty fit young ladies and then have it off with their mate? *scratches head*, Hmmmm... .ah yes, he obviously has a big........wallet. Fair enough, it's pretty obvious. Plus the fact that these ladies (bar the missus) knew at the time they could sell their stories, earning a much larger sum then their rate of £1,500 per night.

As you know, yesterday it emerged that Wayne had it off with Jennifer and Helen, who like to go by the names 'Elizabeth' and 'Catherine' respectively, at the same time. Kinkaayy. This morning, we have learnt that he tried it on with Samii Darnley who is twenty years old and currently in the running for Miss Preston. Wayne made a play for her, just six weeks after his baby boy was born, while attending Rio Ferdinand's restaurant Russo with a number of other team mates for an apparent champagne fuelled bender. No WAGS were invited but a number of escort girls were. All three girls are in hiding at the moment but one of Samii's friends kindly spoke on her behalf to The Sun (if you are wandering near a newsagents today have a goo at the picture on the main page of today's tabloid, the following will make sense, WENN of course don't have the photo in question.) "The picture shows exactly what Rooney's like when he's out on the town...he saw Samii and made a beeline for her. He leaned in and whispered in her ear. He was so close she could feel his stubble on her cheek. He was trying it on and making it clear in no uncertain terms he was interested in her. He clearly fancied her and wanted to take things further but, she said he was married and she wouldn't do that to Coleen" (oh, she must know her well then?). The friend went on to say that Rooney was basically being a pest, trying to get stuck into any bit of skirt that was there.

The parents of lady number one (Jennifer) cut their holiday short when they heard about their privately educated daughters activities. They released the following statement, "Following the various newspaper articles concerning our daughter Jennifer, we would like to offer our sincere apologies to Coleen Rooney and her family."

And what about Mrs Rooney? She was due to meet Wayne for talks but called them off when she heard about lady number three. I'm thinking though she has more important matters on her mind since her little sister is seriously ill in hospital, after apparently suffering a stroke. I think she should concentrate on her sister rather then her scumbag husband for the minute.

-Alicia Coyle