Wow, everyone - apart from a few - did themselves fairly proud. No dying swans, no barnacles, no sugary tooth-wincing pinks, no tulle whirlwinds (OK, apart from this), ... You could read that as boring, but rest assured, it's not.

Below are the dresses worth commenting on. Although that's always up for debate.

Viola Davis (Vera Wang): Wow. I could make a "wang" quip here, but that would be a bit obvious. Anyway, I feared she couldn't outdo her brass coal scuttle inspired SAG gown, but she has. Look how that bodice cups her majesty (it's the Oscars, when else could one wing such a phrase) and slides down her form with ease. You can clearly tell she's in love with it too and is probably wearing it in bed right now. Only downside, the accessories are a bit busy and her hair looks a bit scorched.

Meryl Streep (Lanvin): Yikes. Is she holding the entire thing together with her left hand? She can carry off the hue, but it's all a bit Krystle Carrington at a toga party.

Gwyneth Paltrow (Tom Ford): Of course she's wearing white. When isn't she wearing white on a red carpet. Although, this is probably the first time she's sported it to the Oscars (remember the sheer goth nipple advertisement she wore a few years back?) She looks slick, contemporary, yet angelic... and yet sterile. I hope that's what nurses look like in the future. I think I like it, although I would like to see the dress without the cape (she took it off at the Vanity Fair after party)

Jessica Chastain (Alexander McQueen): Now this is a statement, as McQueen tends to be. Bit turgid in the bodice, but the black and gold colour combo goes well with her complexion, and the lack of jewellery works too. If she was going for a "Hi there, you may not know me, but my name's Jessica, and I'm an Oscar nominee bitches" vibe, she clearly nailed it.

Shailene Woodley (Valentino): Here's another newcomer standing out from the crowd - as people dressed all in white tend to do. I do like the peekaboob effect with the bodice, but the rest of it is part wedding dress circa 1977, part Paltrow's nurse aid circa 2054. See, she's been practising her suture stitching down the front and everything.

Angelina Jolie (Versace): I know it looks like if she could be nude, she would be. The only thing staving off her urge to whip it off is the fact that black velvet really turns her on, especially when it's brushing against her thigh. As if further proof were required that Angelina fell out of bed, rolled across her black velvet carpeted boudoir and straight into a waiting limo; she left her jewellery and her handbag on the bedside locker. Although she might be smuggling a clutch on her left hip...

Glenn Close (Zac Posen): This is how I suspect a conversation with her stylist went: "OK, I'll wear a dress, but only if I can wear a suit jacket over it... and my daughter sporting something Gawd awful." It all works, Glenn, well played.

Natalie Portman (Vintage Dior): I don't like it. Yes, it's red, it's got polka dots, it mostly fits her well, and it's her saying she'd open to wearing a form of Dior again after the Galliano incident, but - to me - it looks flat. She's tried to jazz it up with a very blingin' necklace, but it's just a bit meh.

Penelope Cruz (Armani Prive): This I'm not too gone on either. It's perfectly adequate, but it just looks like it might be more at home cradling the body of someone Meryl's vintage. It's too fuddy on someone of Penelope's age. Again, it's lovely but where's the VA VA VOOM Godnammit!

Michelle Williams (Louis Vuitton): Sorry Michelle, but you need a bit of cleav overspill for this dress. There needs to be a bit of you outruffling the dress and that's not happening here. The clutch looks wrong, and the brooch is distracting.

Rooney Mara (Givenchy): She's cutting edge, yet old school Hollywood glam... yet a bit droopy. For example, are her breasts meant to be above the eyelids or below the eyelids? Why does a dress have eyelids anyway. Or are they breast visors? Aahh, probably breast visors.

Rose Byrne (Vivienne Westwood): No word of a lie, I'd a dream that Vivienne Westwood died last night, so this just reminds me of the black goop bodies turn into after a spell. However, it's more likely that she encountered an oil slick en route to the Kodak Theatre. Spare a thought for Anna Faris who bore the full brunt of it.

And the rest...

Emma Stone: Found being throttled by her dress something of a distraction from the usual red carpet nerves. Kudos for the clutch.

Stacey Kiebler: I'm not sure who designed it, but will go out on a limb and say Lanvin... Or Oscar's wife. It could also be Gaultier; it reminds me of that perfume bottle, but less classy. Either way, at least George got to go home with a gold statuette.

Read the rest of Sheena's Oscar Red Carpet Fest in our Oscars Page...