Did One Direction Get an STI.... From a Koala Bear?

Ah, Australia. It seems to me, having never visited there, that it is a country where almost literally everything there is bad for you. They have sharks gobbling up long-haired surfers on their coastline, their hotter-than-all-hell weather is responsible for numerous deaths every year, they have spiders hanging out in every nook and cranny just waiting to assault you and/or crawl into your mouth while you're sleeping, their fish murder popular television hosts....and then there's Alf Stewart's notorious temper. Flamin' 'eck!

But surely there's some respite in there somewhere, no? What about the noble koala bear, one of the cutest animals around? Surely they just chill out atop the trees, eat some greenery and generally emit cool vibes and positivity?

Well, not quite. Apparently over 80% of koala bears carry Chlamydia. The little bastards obviously skipped their sexual health lectures when they were little koalas. What's more, there have been cases where they've transferred the STI to humans. And what's EVEN more, apparently some members of One Direction may have contracted Chlamydia from a koala bear, or at least that's how they tell the story.

Liam Payne of the band said: "I'm genuinely scared. This is worrying. I'd have never picked the thing up if I'd known", in what could be the most PG contraction of a sexually transmitted infection ever.

It would seem that this is the squeaky-clean boy band equivalent of a coked-out dreadlocked bass player getting the clap from a Cambodian prostitute.

It should be noted, however, that transmission of an STI from a koala to a human is unlikely (though not impossible), thus rendering this entire article almost meaningless. The joke's on you, dear reader.

John Balfe

Story by John Balfe | 18:07 | Monday 23rd April 2012 | Gossip

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Comments

• The Translator

  I'm confused. Your article seems to suggest that one or more members of One Direction have Chlamydia, but that there is uncertainty over whether or not they contracted it from a Koala. Please clarify whether your closing comment relates to them not having chlamydia or to them having it, but having contracted it other than from a Koala. Either way, unless you're sure they really have it, isn't it kind of creepy to write an article about ways they may or may not have caught it?

  Posted 22:51 | Sun 29th Apr 2012

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