23 April 2010 (Premiership Preview)

This is AranMan's latest irrelevant Premiership Preview. If you require an intro to this man, make your way here. This week, however, it's more about the cancelling of the Island 'Feshtival' because of the Volcano Ash, showband savagery on a rival island, religious penance, Michael O'Leary and some cracking quotes:

Random quotes that made Aranman titter this week:

"I don't slag people off. If I do, I tend to do it right in someone's eye, not in the paper or the television. I'm no faceless wonder. If you get it off me, you get it full frontal."
- Is Wolves boss Mick McCarthy revealing his intentions that topless isn't good enough for his Playgirl shoot? Or, is he revealing the stance that drove Roy Keane to tell him that he could stick the World Cup up his b*ll*cks?

"I was just standing still and he came into my face."
- Choice words from Blackburn Rovers Morten Gamst Pedersen after being prodded (sorry!) by Everton's Mikel Arteta.

"They suddenly had a new owner who was supposed to be one of the richest men in the world and it was 'Oh, we're going to be up there challenging with Man City'. Then all of a sudden, when he was buying hamburgers off the stall outside, they thought maybe he wasn't as rich as they first thought."
- Harry Redknapp smelling something fishy when Sulaiman Al Fahim showed he was born with a plastic spoon in his mouth.

"We'll collaborate with the police and with Charles to make sure we get out of this situation in a positive way."
- Roberto Martinez, Wigan boss assesses the situation which left his star forward Charles N'Zogbia arrested over allegations that someone else completed the written part of his driving test.

"I love them all"
- Underage prostitute, Zahia Dehar, who slept with Franck Ribery, Karim Benzema, and Sidney Govou breaks her silence. Not like the French to put their hands where they shouldn't. Apparently, Govou is said to have told detectives that "I was very surprised when she asked me for money." Yes, Sidney, of course you were. As you can see from the pic below, the lads obviously felt much safer landing on the runway with those airbags.

The annual Inis Itty Feshtival (which I was telling you about last week) was thrown into chaos due to the Volcano in Iceland. Because of travel restrictions, none of the top acts were able to arrive. Crystal Swing tried to get here by boat, but a freak storm cast their little craft against the rocks close to the island, and it is believed they are stuck on Inis Hole, an inhospitable hellrock that has seen the demise of many a showband from Nollaig and the Hillclimbers, to Fancy Dan and the Diesel Whores. Reports are steadily seeping through that they have assimilated with the hoard of vicious ex-showband clans that now roam there freely. In a horrible Lord of the Flies style scenario, it is thought that two main rival tribes have been created, each being led by Irish showbiz legends and 'Demon Kings' Big Tom and Joe Mac. Unfortunately, the young Crystal Swinger, Derek, is being forced to hucklebuck all night long to feed the unquenchable lusts of the Demon Kings.

It was believed at first that we here on the Island were being punished by God, so a load of members of the local 'Sacret Heart Jesus Commandos' took to the mountains with effigys of various FF politicians and a huge 100 foot high model of a Michael O' Leary, who some believe directly challenged the heavens; he's been wearing a suit recently that was seen as being particularly satan-like. However, this was mild in comparison with one of our younger parishioners who has been forced to take part in a Croagh Patrick style pilgrimage with the group, involving them traversing the mountains on their knees backwards as a Cliff Richards lookalike beats them with a sandal on the end of a rope. A Wicker Man inspired burning was set to take place at the top of the biggest hill on the island to warn this teenager the error of his ways. Apparently, his deeply religious parents had mistaken the "ash" cloud for a "hash" cloud, and in between flogging themselves with knotty branches, remembered their young Bernard's dalliance with da 'erb and sent the poor little fecker off on retreat for a week.

In all matters soccer, we are devastated about the Feshtival, but extra excited about the tail end of The Premiership. Chelsea collapsed like an Anglo Irish Bank loan approval in the face of the unstoppable Spurs while Man. Utd's little golden nugget Paul Scholes blew a hole in the blue side of Manchester's hopes for Champion's League football next season after popping up in added time to seal a crucial one-nil win. So, the big game of the weekend is United v Spurs and Tottenham won't be wanting to do United any favours this time around. Chelsea will have to overturn Stoke, but that should be no problem at home. A Stoke victory, and a favour to United, of course would be in the capable and incredibly far flinging hands of Rory 'Throw-in' Delap. It looks like this one could go to The Wire, and if Gary Neville has his wicked way again with Paul Scholes (if he scores against Spurs, Neville will more than likely drop to his knees) in the words of the legendary Detective Jimmy McNulty, "The quicker we bring this in and shut it down, the safer we'll all be."

COMING SOON: Aranman's End of Season Premiership Players Awards type thingy

Sat 24th April 2010

Man Utd v Tottenham 12:45
Bolton v Portsmouth 15:00
Hull City v Sunderland 15:00
West Ham Utd v Wigan Athletic 15:00
Wolves v Blackburn 15:00
Arsenal v Manchester City 17:30

Sun 25th April 2010

Aston Villa v Birmingham 12:00
Burnley v Liverpool 15:00
Everton v Fulham 15:00
Chelsea v Stoke City 16:00
 

 PREVIOUS ARAN MAN

Back to Other Exclusives