19 December 2011 (Profile)

For those of you who didn't read it in the bumper Christmas Guide edition of the Independent's Weekend Magazine, here's the unedited version of Sheena McGinley's Soapwatch festive round up in all its unbridled verbosity. It spans from December 19th - January 1st. As expected, it's rife with spoilers, so do read with caution.

Coronation Street: Don't know about you, but the street's resident teen lesbian couple has been a source of gritted teeth for most of 2011. Their voices are to blame - far too screechy, like Holly off Emmerdale on a particularly fraught day. They also use each other's name an inordinate amount, like they're constantly trying to validate themselves as characters. Yes, this is a quite a harsh way to open what should be a warm and fuzzy festive soap special, but this is the one time a year I get the word count to actually vent opinion on characters as opposed to the mere brass tacks of weekly happenings. So, as they might up North, "Eh, by gum I've only gone and given meself 1,800 words. Put kettle on love it's time for some pontificating!"

Apologies. Let's return to the task at hand; the trajectory of totally believable soap storylines over the Christmas period. Right, so the teen lesbians are getting married, primarily because Sophie Webster happened to touch lips off Amber Alahan on a night out while SHHIIYYAANNNN was on holidays. It wasn't even a proper kiss, yet now Sophie is consumed with Amber, she even declared love a few weeks back, so hence the overcompensation of a hasty wedding. To make matters more plausible, Amber - on Sophie and Sian's hen night - decides to announce that she's made a mistake spurning the former's advances, so she puts the lunge in. To cut a long story short (there are several other soaps to address) Sunita sees what's going on, informs Sally and Kevin of their daughter's doubt, which then causes Sophie to stutter through her wedding vows. Sian considers this an insult and pegs it from the proceedings. As painful as the younglings of Corrie are to endure, do pay attention to Brooke Vincent's thespian efforts - by her own admission, it's the only time she's actually acted since she joined the soap as Sophie in 2004.



Corrie writers were clearly inspired by a past Vicar of Dibley special this festive season. They only insert the heavily pregnant Katie into the nativity play in the role of Mary (at the time of print, it's unclear as to why Faye didn't get the part. Apart from her being the spawn of Satan) and then they have her give birth during the performance. Needless to say, the audience is very impressed with her "acting" skills. Eat your heart out, Alice Springs. You, however, might be more impressed with the sight of both Chesney and Gary dressed as elves (as one does while selling dodgy Christmas trees) speeding round the cobbles in time to witness the birth.

Other happenings this festive season involve Tracy falling down the stairs of Becky's flat. This provides the evil one with a ruse to get Becky off the street for good - she only tells Steve that Becky pushed her down the stairs resulting in the loss of the twins, as opposed to the miscarriage she suffered the week before. And it works; Steve snaps up Lloyd's house for him and Tracy, AND asks her to get wed. Becky greets this news by burning photos of herself and Steve in her flat. Alone. While drunk. You guess what happens next.

Hang on, there's more - Peter tries desperately to sneak off on Christmas day to see Carla, and he succeeds. He best enjoy the illicit liaisons while he can 'cause his mother-in-law suspects something's amiss… That tends to happen when you leave your lover's romantic Christmas present lying (a necklace) around - and then you give the wife a mobile phone.

Fair City: The Bishops are reunited this Yuletide thanks to Denzo's clever use of Santa regalia. He trusses himself up by way of a disguise and lands into the family shindig. Naturally enough, the females in his life are ecstatic to see him, unlike his brothers who are thinking of the ramifications. As it happens, one or two of the neighbours cop that Denzo's in the vicinity - 'cause that shoddy Santy suit isn't fooling anyone - especially not Bob, who delivers a Wild Western inspired ultimatum. Before you know it, Denzo and Eileen are hightailing it across the border (to Belfast) in Caoimhe's car, which is being chauffeured by Decco. I'm sure that's flouting some terms of his arrangement with the law…

Speaking of Bob, history repeats itself in the form of the residents believing he's gone for a hop with the charity money, so he finds himself a right Bobby No Mates on Christmas Day. Things aren't too rosy over in chez Dillons either. Let's just say, Caoimhe's pilfered presents raise a few eyebrows. Judith is kind of on the right track; she believes her second born has been getting questionable cash off lover Decco, when really she should be eyeballing Orla and her penchant for "free" designer gear. Then, as it there wasn't enough suspicion in the air, Jo and Dermot rock around for a festive drink which sends Dearbhla over the edge altogether. Between her handmade gifts being outshone by Caoimhe's wares and then her father's not-so-secret lover turning up to her house for some mulled wine, it's not long before Dermot starts wondering what in the name of Jaysis is going on.

Lastly, we'll see Yvonne, Suzanne, Bella, Charlie and Esther sharing Christmas together. Things start out reasonably enough, with the odd quip regarding the dinner's calorie content resulting in Suzanne and the grandmother of her unborn child bond sufficiently. Unfortunately, Yvonne sees Esther as a rather large pain in the nethers, so they start quibbling. Then Esther proves Yvonne's sentiments correct by announcing the sex of the baby in front of an otherwise uninformed Bella.

EastEnders: Everyone's been expecting Pat and her festive ear baubles to go ding dong merrily on high on Christmas Day. First, there were rumours she was going to go up in flames with the B&B. Well, the B&B does get set alight, on St. Stephen's Day, but we don’t believe Pat's in the vicinity. Yusef might be though... Then there were other rumours that Pat was going to silently slip off into the heavens on Christmas Day. Wrong. What we can tell you is that, after 25 years on the Square, Pat St Clement gets some devastating news on Thursday 29th, so who knows what might happen on New Year's Eve... It'll most likely involve the stress of having to pay back a loan to the Black Widow (Janine) in some way. It also might involve one Derek Branning sneaking into her bedroom... Either way, at least Pat and Frrraaahnk can share some spinning dickie-bow time in the ether together before Peggy Mitchell arrives to rabbit the ears off them.

Back to that fire. First off, Zainab manages to shirk flying to Pakistan by "mislaying" her passport when she and Yusef are about the board the plane. This displeases Shere Khan greatly. So he does the reasonable thing in Soapland - he kidnaps Kamil and uses him as bait. Not to worry, though, Masood and Denise are on the case. It's a particularly eventful time for Denise - between her Zainab mission; finding a nasty surprise under her Christmas tree courtesy of Phil's stalker; and hosting the Boxing Day party in the B&B which results in the aforementioned fire and someone's untimely death. On Christmas morning, she unwraps a suspect present to find a cut-n-shut toy car alongside a USB stick containing information regarding Phil's involvement in Kevin Wicks' death. Instead of going directly to the police with the evidence, Denise heads on out to Phil's motor and gives it a right seeing to.

In the world of Kat and Alfie, Jean manages to bring the tenuous couple together by loosing her mind. What with her handing out wads of cash to strangers and then mistaking Shenice for an actual angel, it's clear that something's amiss with one of the soaps finest actors. Anyway, when Kat sees how Alfie deals with the situation she finally realises just how lucky she is. About bleedin' time 'n all.

Finally, to that raging stalker of Phil's. All is revealed on Christmas day, and - would you Adam an' Eve it - 'Evvah Trott just might be involved. Or, more importantly, her boyfriend Andrew (not Ridgely). I reckon it's Tracy the barmaid. But it's probably Derek Branning. Or Christian. Or Ben. Or Sharon Watts...

Emmerdale: In the best tradition of pretending everything's just tickityboo the world over on Christmas Day, Ashley is hell bent on renewing his wedding vows. Laurel, well, she's not so sure about things - that's probably why, when Ashley fails to turn up to the church for the ceremony that she readily tells the assembled crowd that it's not going ahead. To be fair, things aren't helped by Marlon, in Dustin Hoffman mode, landing into the proceedings to declare his undying devotion. Thing is, where's Ashley? He's only helping Sandy after his dad has an accident.

Moira continues to get mixed messages from her loving daughter Holly. Basically, John says Moira's welcome to come to the farm for Christmas dinner - but only if the whole family agrees. Holly actively doesn't agree, with screeching and everyting. So, naturally enough, Moira has doubts about entering the house - so she doesn't - which Holly then takes umbridge with. IN short, Holly would be a nightmare girlfriend. You're mother isn't a mind reader, love, cop on or you'll spend the rest of your existence consistently let down.



There's further kerfuffles across the Dales, this time between Alicia and Debbie. In the interest of creating an enjoyable day for Sarah, Andy brings Alicia and Jacob to Debbie and Cameron's for dinner. Alicia tries her best, but she gets the hump when Sarah has all manner of presents flung at her, while her Jacob gets box of biscuits - when all he wanted was a packet of crisps. In short, Alicia mouths off and gets her dinner dumped over her head. To be honest, I thought Alicia would be more put out with Debbie suggesting that herself and Andy try to conceive naturally.

Elsewhere, in another 'Who Shot Mr. Burns' type whodunit, the metaphorical jury's still out on who cracked Cain across the head, Jai gets charged with attempted murder. Charity has a proposition for Cain if he comes across with the truth, before dropping a bombshell on her family which leaves her slightly alienated. Then, to top things off, the bloke who tries so desperately to play the character of Nikhil (thank your lucky stars you're pretty, mate) reports Charity to the police for lying. To be honest, between you and me, it looks increasingly likely that it was Amy with each passing day… That or it was totally baby Kyle.