26 January 2011 (Profile)

Words: Shane Langan

January 26th 2011

The cat shat in my flat. My cat, my cat is a twat. I hate this cat. He's sleeping now so I must be quick. If he hears me typing in here, he will come after me and… do things. I never noticed how spacious this closet was. I think I might spend more time in here… away from him.

Last night we stayed in. I tried to go out, but he made me stay in. He wanted to sit on my tummy. But when I shifted to get comfortable, he dug his claw into my cheek and told me to sit on the floor. All we do anymore is watch TV. He loves American drama series. Especially The Wire and The Shield. He said that he would have loved to have been a cop in America but that my stupid face ruined his chances. I don’t quite understand what he means.

He sits… that's what he does. He watches TV… rating it. He especially loves to watch live television. He loves to see mistakes made by cameramen. He raises his eyes to heaven when the presenter is unsure what to do and looks off camera for help. He also makes me rent DVDs of films that he knows have large numbers of continuity errors in them. He visits websites. He's even got books like 'Movie Mistakes 2' and 'Hollywood's Biggest Cock-Ups 2'. He sits and he smirks and he scoffs and he 'tsks' and he shakes his fat little head, watching inexperienced presenters on the cheap channels of SKY digital's late hundreds. Later he’ll go on the forums and slag people off. Once he videoed me on the toilet and posted it on YouTube, "so cats in Argentina could laugh at me" he said.

My cat, my cat is a twat. When we go for a drive he takes note of prices on petrol station signs and shakes his head. "That was cheaper last week. God they think we must be maniacs if they think we'll pay that, but were not maniacs, are we Shane?"… said my cat to me. He insists that we drive out of town to get cheaper petrol but when I point out that the petrol wasted in the drive there and back would render it pointless… he just stares straight ahead and doesn't say a word. I ask him if he's alright and he says he's fine. I know he's not really. I can't bare it. He acts all high and mighty, like he's got it all figured out, like he's better than me. Well at least I didn't shit on the mat. The cat shat on the mat in my flat… and I cleaned it up.
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Pardon me. I really didn't mean to vent like that and ordinarily I wouldn't have submitted the above tirade, but Beetroot scratched out the backspace button from my keyboard a few weeks back and hid it, so I can't seem to delete anything. Anyway, the issues that exist between my cat and I are our problem and no one else's. The truth is that while my cat may sometimes act like he doesn’t love me, I know deep down that he does. Sometimes he can take the stresses of the day out on me and if that's what he needs to get through it all - then I’m more than happy to be there for him. This weekly diary will document my life with my cat. Not every week will be like this. It’s actually going to be quite light-hearted. So on that note, from Beetroot and myself, have a pleasant week.

Shane
 

Shane Langan is a member of comedy group Diet of Worms. You can contact him on Twitter and you can read an interview with him here.

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