26 February 2010 (Premiership Preview)

"I have thought long and hard about my position in the England football team in the light of the reporting and events over the last few weeks. It has always been an honour to play for England. However, after careful thought I believe my position in the squad is now untenable and potentially divisive" - Wayne Bridge, England left back, pulls out, which is what John Terry should have done when presented with Vanessa...

He continued - "Sadly therefore I feel for the sake of the team and in order to avoid what will be inevitable distractions, I have decided not to put myself forward for selection" - I wonder if "inevitable distractions" would involve Bridge restraining himself from lodging his studs firmly into Terry's baby maker.

This week, I have been mostly attempting to erase images from my brain. If I could get a Brillo pad to slide up my nose and fit inside my head, I would scrub furiously until the grime and rust I acquired over the last week was permanently removed. If only Cillit Bang had a product that could be used to erase unwanted visuals and not just built up grime, grit, mould and mildew.

Imagine, a rolled-up sleeve shirt wearing Barry Scott beaming as he thrusts this product into your face, "Just one blast of Cillit Bang Memory Eraser And YOU will NEVER have to worry about losing sleep over those hard to remove embarrassing scenes burnt into your mind ever again!" Cue Barry bursting open the door of a bedroom, the Cillit Bang sunshine lights beaming up behind his polished head. A young man is twisting and turning in bed, while Barry whips his duvet off: "Still got that image of you dancing at your nephew's Christening, eyeing up your girlfriend's sister, later attempting to dance seductively to Lionel Richie, as your stained trousers collapse concertina style in front of your whole family, and its still only 6pm in the evening?!" Bed ridden victim is pinned to bed, but like a Persil Extra with a skiddy vest, he is simultaneously intrigued. "Just one blast of Cillit Bang, leave to soak for a minute and - BANG - any memory of that drunken sleaze fest is GONE!"



Cue a short swiping montage of Barry spraying victim Men in Black style, as all memory of the event dissipates in front of his eyes as he sits in bed. Pictures of himself, pants descended and vomiting on the kids, revolve around his head, then disappear, genie-like, into Cillit Bang's special formula. "Thanks, Cillit Bang, now I can sleep without waking up in a sweaty mess, tortured by my inability to hold my drink and what my girlfriend's family think of me!" Tagline: Now available in handy travel Concentrate for Office parties, Weddings and particularly merry House Parties... I believe that Wayne Bridge and Cheryl Cole/Tweedy Bird and possibly Mel Gibson (insert here any A to Z list celebrity requiring a recent memory wipe), and most likely Rafa Benitez (in an attempt to wipe out was has been one of the worst seasons in recent times for Liverpool) and Portsmouth F.C. (although they will now disappear without the aid of any product) which will no doubt buy up the franchise.

So, where was I? Oh my God, what I saw this week was... well, let's just say it was as disturbing as the time I caught AranDad watching the Gilmore Girls. That resulted in a sustained period of silence between my Father and myself; the family is only now coming to terms with his actions. In the words of Colonel Kurtz in Heart of Darkness "The horror, the horror."

To Be Continued...

 

LAST WEEK’S RESULTS

Saturday 20th February        Actual Score        Aranman Prediction
Everton v Man Utd                  (3 - 1)                     (1 - 1)
Arsenal v Sunderland            (2 - 0)                    (2 - 1)
West Ham Utd v Hull City     (3 - 0)                     (2 - 1)
Wolves v Chelsea                  (0 - 2)                     (1 - 3)
Portsmouth v Stoke City        (1 - 2)                     (1 - 1)

Sunday 21st February
Blackburn v Bolton               (2 - 1)                      (3 - 0)
Aston Villa v Burnley            (2 - 0)                      (5 - 2)
Fulham v Birmingham        (2 - 1)                      (1 - 1)
Man City v Liverpool             (0 - 0)                      (2 - 2)
Wigan Ath v Tottenham       (0 - 3)                     (1 - 1)

Aranman got SIX out of TEN correct score predictions. EI Offices can now buy loo roll, as opposed to tearing up back copies of Heat Magazine and the RTE Guide.

THIS WEEKEND’S FIXTURES:

Saturday 26th February
Chelsea v Manchester City 12:45
Birmingham v Wigan Athletic 15:00
Bolton v Wolves 15:00
Burnley v Portsmouth 15:00
Stoke City v Arsenal 17:30

Sunday 27th February
Tottenham v Everton 13:00
Liverpool v Blackburn 15:00
Sunderland v Fulham 15:00

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