24 September 2009 (Premiership Preview)

"We live as we dream - alone... The horror! The horror!" Joseph Conrad - 'Heart of Darkness'. This was also overheard among the Manchester City fans at last week's derby game against United. A 2 - 2 draw was predicted by Aranman last week, which would have been bang on if the game lasted 80 minutes, not 96, or - in this case - chapters seven through ten of 'The Brief History of Time' by Stephen Hawking. Be warned, this fourth installment from the island-bound ex football manager isn't pretty, and largely bizarre. Except his footballing predictions (which can be found about three paragraphs down) which are usually bang on.

They say that it is only in the eye of a storm that one can truly begin to see themselves. A tornado of mops, brushes, buckets, bleach, and blue rinse whirled its way into Inis Itty Community Hall as the elite clean up team from the Irish Countrywoman's Association went into action. This crack team of carbolic commandos swept into the village in the early hours of the morning after receiving a midnight phone call from a distressed Mrs. Kiely who had seen our eponymous hero, Mr. FF, plunge his manhood into her Pavlova and play rodeo on the pig spit. (If you're lost, best refer back to last week's installment).

Last night, I was woken by a glint of light which was passed through an opening at the side of my window, between the wall and my curtains (at some point in the future, I will regal you with the Only Fools and Horses inspired decor of the bedroom). A light intermittently motioned passed the window like a lighthouse signal but, rather than pointing horizontally, it fired straight up into the sky. Fearful of some Alien invasion, I peaked between the curtains, leaving just enough for one eye to see. The light was shooting up like an air-raid beam piercing the cloudy night sky. On the end of this, there was a shape which could only be said to resemble a teapot with a wig in curlers atop it. Pausing for a moment, I resisted the temptation to question it, and just put it down to a flashback from my hallucinogenic phase serving as a football scout in Azerbaijan. I went back to sleep. It wasn't until the morning I found that this was a Bat-signal distress device triggered by Mrs. Kiely's phone call, which summoned the ladies of the Irish Countrywomen's Association to the island for the covert clean up operation.   

Even after they were deployed, a mammoth task lay ahead. Mr FF had unceremoniously exploded and left a cloying gunge resembling turkey grease dripping from the walls, and he could be heard to babble incoherently; "You can't fire me, ye bastards I'm Fianna Fail," and "Where's me fecking cake…bleeeuuurrgghhh." Resembling a burst sofa filled with spare ribs, he lay around bobbing like a weighted Posh Spice punchbag. It was not until Mrs. Kiely had seen that her prized pavlova had been dismantled in such an uncouth manner, she flew into a rage. Turning with blood red eyes, so wide they nearly detached her eyebrows from her face, she ran towards him and volleyed his still yapping head across the hall. In a scene reminiscent of a rocket propelled strike, by Hot Shot Hamish from the Roy of the Rovers comic strip, the head proceeded to whoosh through the double doors, bounce off the inner wall of the men's changing room, hop off the sink, and roll into one of the urinals. That's one less pumpkin to prepare for the island Halloween Festival.

Well, now that horror is out of me, I suppose I better return to what keeps me sane in this hell hole. It looks like all the big four (we can talk about the big five if Manchester City can maintain their form until Christmas) are playing away this weekend, apart from Liverpool, who face Hull City at Anfield. Phil Brown (previously seen in Magnolia, playing Tom Cruise) is in trouble after his team's poor start to the season. Losing four in six has left them languishing in second bottom, and polar opposite to United who are in a solid second from top position. He said recently, of Jimmy Bullard, "He is so close to recovery it is almost mouth-watering, the prospect of being able to pick him." Now, try to erase images of an



 extremely perma-tanned Phil Brown crouching over a picture of Jimmy Bullard. The most disturbing part of this may be the fact that Jimmy looks remarkably like 'Rocky Dennis' from the movie Mask. Not the Jim Carrey vehicle, but an up-lifting gem from the eighties, directed by Peter Bogdanovich, and the horror comes in the form of plastic bag Cher who plays his Mum. How about Magnolia-Mask? 'An Uplifting Tale of a Disfigured Premiership Footballer Who, Against All Odds, Meets a Tanorexic Manager With a Face Mic Fetish, in an Epic Mosaic of Several Interrelated Characters in Search of Happiness, Forgiveness, and Hull.' Okay, perhaps not. However, I don't think Jimmy is going to be back in time to save 'The Tigers' this time, and Torres will continue with his scoring record, after already bagging five this season. 3 - 0 to Liverpool.

Stoke City have had an effective start to the season which has been rewarded with tenth position and is testament to a defence that has leaked less goals than possible relegation relatives Wigan, Portsmouth, Hull, Blackburn and most teams in the lower half of the table. This could be due to Tony Pulis obtaining his playing style from the 'Abu Ghraib American Army Hospitality Booklet,' where, in the past, he has ground down visiting teams and left them humiliated. I don't think that will happen with Manchester United; Wayne Rooney will continue his cracking start to the season and will bag a brace. This week, Wayne revealed to Radio Presenter Fearne Cotton (whom he met at a Stereophonics gig) that he had engaged in some dodgy tandem tattooing with one of his mates. Fearne said, "So his mate had 'OK' tattooed above his bum and Wayne has got 'then'. So if they stand together it says 'OK then'", which, you have to admit is pretty hilarious... He was at a Stereophonics gig. That's something which'll take more than laser removal to erase. 2 - 1 to United.

'Til next week. Same Aran Time, same Aran Sweater.

Sat 26th September 2009
Portsmouth v Everton       12:45   
Birmingham v Bolton        15:00   
Blackburn v Aston Villa    15:00   
Liverpool v Hull City         15:00   
Stoke City v Man Utd       15:00   
Tottenham v Burnley        15:00   
Wigan Athletic v Chelsea 15:00   
Fulham v Arsenal              17:30

Sun 27th September 2009
Sunderland v Wolves        16:00
 

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