30 April 2010 (Premiership Preview)

It is that time of the year when some of us will punch our arms outstretched, pointing skyward like demented Jose Mourinhos, while the rest will frown like a sex shamed sports star. So, in the words of Mr. Tiger Woods, 'we've reached the climax, the business end of matters, where'd I leave that gimp mask?' Well, something along those lines. The title could be decided this weekend. Manchester United are holding on like a demented Jack Russell gnawing on the trouser leg of Chelsea.While the Londoners displayed a Poodle like arrogance in how they dispatched Stoke City last week, and will be hoping to do the same to a lame Liverpool, who could have their season put down on Sunday. Fourth spot is still up for grabs, so like The Three Stooges fighting over a brain cell, Aston Villa, Tottenham Hotspur, and Manchester City will battle it out to the last day. My money is on Spurs and the legend that is Harry Redknapp, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Droopy Dog. 'Hurry up Harry we're going to the pup.'

And speaking of resemblances and other cobbled together comedy football titbits, it's time to get on with my irrelevant awards show.

So, without further ado…

Let me welcome you to the inaugural, 'Aranman's Pointless Nearly End of Season Premiership Players Awards type thingy'

*drum roll*

First up is The Award for Quote of The Season:

"He’s the Portsmouth manager and it’s a tough job…he needs a massage not from one woman but two. Morning and night. He’s a great manager with amazing potential who is stuck in a s****y team."
- Tzofit Grant, the wife of Portsmouth Manager Avram Grant, after he was spotted leaving a notorious massage parlour.

Well done Avram Grant, who also features in my Manager Who Most Resembles a Cartoon Baddie:

And, we may as well stick with Portsmouth (it's nice to kick a team when they're down) who are the runaway winners of The Aranman Most Inappropriate Team Sponsor Award for the incredible insight shown by a team who ran up debts in excess of £120m, couldn't pay players on time, and make the majority of staff redundant, get sponsored by a company called 'Gobshite,' ...I mean 'Jobsite.'

 

Next up, is the accolade for the Most Shudderingly Unerotic Kiss of the Season:

Only one appeared on the shortlist. I just feel for wee Scholesy, who no doubt suffered scarring on his face from Gary Neville's pointy pubescent goatee:

That still makes me shudder (cold shower time) so moving along quickly, like a Messi nutmeg, it's time for the Most Embarrassing Handshake Award. Only one contender here too…And, the Award goes to…fan's favourite and BFBBGF (Best Friend Behind the Back Girlfriend F*cker). Well done, John Terry:

And will England get shafted in the World Cup...let's ask Frank Lampard:

One of the most contended prizes next. Ladies and Gentleman, it's the Award for Television Pundit that Most Resembles Jeff Daniels:

Congratulations Ronnie Whelan. Now, all we need is Jim Carrey to play Ray Houghton and we could be onto a Dumb & Dumber remake.

Best Goal Celebration has to go to star of Mask and fan favourite (although maybe not so much after his recent penalty miss). It's all round nice guy Jimmy Bullard with his piss-take of Phil Brown's notorious on the pitch half-time team talk:

Which brings me nicely to the technical end of the Awards, like the Oscars with Editing, Lighting, Costumes, On-Set Catering, that kind of thing. The winner of the highly prized Ant and Dec Tanorexic, 'I Rock the Mic Right Award' goes to the inimitable and immediately dislikable, former Hull Manager Phil Brown:

And seeing as we're on Bell-Ends. Ding-Dong, it's Aranman's Dick of the Year Award. This one was strictly an all Chelsea affair, but the Coleman had to get it after giving the lovely Cheryl the sack (and probably a varying number of S.T.I.'s). Well done Ashley Cole:

Oh. Charming.

So, that's it. The very first 'Aranman's Pointless Nearly End of Season Premiership Players Awards type thingy.' Winners and Losers, but mainly weirdos. Join me again next time and next week for the last Aranman of the season. Go well my lovelies.

 

Sat 1st May 2010

Birmingham v Burnley 12:45
Manchester City v Aston Villa 15:00
Portsmouth v Wolves 15:00
Stoke City v Everton 15:00
Tottenham v Bolton 15:00

Sun 2nd May 2010

Liverpool v Chelsea 13:30
Fulham v West Ham Utd 15:00
Sunderland v Man Utd 16:00

 

Previous installment of Aranman here

 

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