19 February 2010 (Premiership Preview)

THE stitches in my sweater nearly came asunder, the buttons on my cardigan almost bounced up into my boggled eyes, and the wholegrain hob-nob I had just bitten down on turned foul and bitter like a Liam Gallagher acceptance speech... I had just spent the day trawling through the books now available in the brand new mobile library (apparently the last set of texts sent from the mainland had been coloured in), so this was a time of celebration to finally get our hands on some modern classics, The Art of the Turf Accountant by M.T. Pockets, More Than A Hard Shoulder: An Adult Star Expose by Hugh G. Rection, and The Little Book of Lying Limericks by Willie O'Dea. Like I said, I was engrossed in the classics, when I was approached by Liam Lynch, the local Del Boy. He sauntered over as I crouched over the trolley full of books and informed me that he had a proposition that may interest me. He shuffled close and pointed to a bulge in his coat pocket. At first I tried to ignore him as I flipped the pages on one tomb, but he continued to break through into my personal space. His large face was now inches from mine, and I could smell the stale oil and cheap aftershave as it burned my nostrils.

"I hear you’re a fella that would be interested in this kinda thing," his head nodding towards his crotch where he now had both hands shuffling in his long tweed coat. I noticed that he had his hand on something, and my breath quickened. He moved his right arm inside his pocket and directed the bulge toward me.
"Ah Jesus, this all I need," I whispered through gritted teeth out the side of my mouth.
"Look, c'mere, I spoke to a few lads and they said you're one of those Maydia types and that you would love one of these, I just wanna know if it's the size you want?"
I was about to make my excuses and burn boot-heels when he whipped his hand from his pocket, pulled me close into him and revealed a large mobile phone.
"So, whatcha think, would you be interested. Aranman?" he asked, "I'll give you a good price."
"Oooh, a phone," I coughed.
"Well what did you think I was trying to give ye?"
I just closed the book, grabbed the phone and exclaimed,
"Look I was trying to be covert, there ain't many of these around here," I said looking down at the phone.
"Well I have no use for it. So, take it off me hands and give me a few quid and a date with Ms Hujarse and it's yours. Deal." He beamed at me with a mischievous eye, the kind of look you get when you've signed over your life to a bank and the mania sets in. He knew that I was tied to his contract and the unconcealed satisfaction was clear. For the next few days I would be playing Cilla Black, attempting to get Hujarse involved with a man who once buried a horse up to it's knees to convince some kids to shed their shekels to see the Island's 'First Ever Mini Pony.'
"Deal." I said, and we both shook hands and walked our separate ways.

It wasn't until I was home in the welcomed hush of my room that I turned the phone on and nearly spewed out of my eyes. The cup of tea was launched skyward as I opened a series of messages that had been sent to the mobile. The first was a male crotch hidden by the worst pair of underpants I have seen since Bill Gates was spotted looking peculiarly like Peter Griffin swaddled in a large nappy.

The briefs looked like they had been purchased as part of a part of discount bumper pack from Michael Guiney's or the 'Section for Mums who buy their kids Old Men Clothes' in M & S. It wasn't until I scrolled through the series of sex-texts that the face of the aroused assailant was revealed. It was none other than Chelsea chopstick legged Ashley Cole. It seems that along with all the other gear washed ashore last fortnight, a container of Samsung hones had also been found and were now doing the rounds on the Island. It seems appropriate as it was discovered on Ash Wednesday. Apparently he's going down well with some of the bullocks, who have feigned the attention of the female cows but will happily throw out when confronted with the "Coleman."

Saturday 20th February
Everton v Man Utd 12:45 (1 - 1)
Arsenal v Sunderland 15:00 (2 - 1)
West Ham Utd v Hull City 15:00 (2 - 1)
Wolves v Chelsea 15:00 (1-3)
Portsmouth v Stoke City 17:30 (1 - 1)

Sunday 21st February
Blackburn v Bolton 12:00 (2 - 1)
Aston Villa v Burnley 14:00 (2 - 0)
Fulham v Birmingham 15:00 (1 - 1)
Manchester City v Liverpool 15:00 (2 - 2)
Wigan Athletic v Tottenham 16:15 (1 - 1)

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