16 April 2010 (Premiership Preview)

This is AranMan's latest irrelevant Premiership Preview. If you require an intro to this man, make your way here. This week, however, it's more about the Island Feshtival, Rage Against the Machine, Crystal Swing, Giant Lego Man, Hucklebucking, and the Simian Gareth Bale.

NEWS reaches me from the mainland that the full Glastonbury festival line-up has been announced. Thosee motherfolkers across the big puddle in the little land they call Ingerland have announced a set list that includes the great Willie Nelson and his hemp cardigans, U2 (who wouldn't exist without the Aran legacy of Tommy Makem the Clancy Brothers) and the Edge's Aran cap, and finally Snoop Dogg who would happily skin up Willie's jumper and pass the duchie pan da left handside.

Well, no Glastonbury, Oxegen or Electric Picnic will hold up to the Inis Itty Musical Feshtival taking place this weekend. Apart from the usual 'Tunnel of Gloves' "Be amazed as the largest collection of gloves in the West of Ireland. Touch, count and get slapped by a myriad of leather, wool, nylon, steel mesh and fingerless gloves" In truth, it's a huge concrete pipe left over by an offshore oil company, driven out by local people, led by the crack BRC's 'Blue-Rinse Commandos' of the ICA. Essentially, it involves walking through this pipe and getting hit by gloves on broom handles. Also on site will be the amazing 'Giant Lego Man' who washed up on shore several weeks ago.

His lego boat is being currently assembled, but seen as it crashed, replacement blocks are hard to come by in these parts. Besides, one of the local spinsters took a liking to him (apparently his stocky frame and muteness reminded her of her one long past boyfriend) and has fashioned a block for his feet and attached him to it so he can't move. She says he'll be good for the kids. I hear there was much more to the fair, but they haven't seen their 'Spinning Cat' or 'Tunnel of Goats' since they were lent to Craggy Island, and to quote a local I spoke to in the Post Office, "Those bastards wouldn't give ye de steam off der piss," An intense pee soaked Island rivalry has simmered ever since.

Kenny 'Eyebrows' Cunningham and Tony Cascarino will be appearing to each Captain one of the sheep football five-a-side teams for the big tournament. Everyone is curious to see if Tony will have the same glow around him that he does in the TV3 football coverage. Ever since he was seen in the community centre tv, many mistook the background green screen glow as a halo, so they have built a 'Church of Cass', and are hoping to offer him some virgin goats when he arrives. Already signed up to referee will be the 'Kojak Man in Black' – Pierluigi Collina. Headlining of course will be Rage Against the Machine and internet sensations Crystal Swing.

It is believed that Rage lead singer Zach De La Rocha used a famous repeated line from that song to show his anger after he realised he would be playing with 'Crystal Swing' and not 'Crystal Meth'. Much has been spoken about the Killing in the Name/He Drinks Tequila duet many are anticipating. It is also believed that the young man in Crystal Swing is on the island to get cheap knee replacement surgery. A prior agreement was made that payment would come in the form of high grade titanium knee joints made to withstand all the hucklebucking. In his own words "Ah, now I'm tilling yo, me knays are hucklef*cked."

Holding onto a pair of knees that'll be as weathered as Roy Keane is no consolation for Mr. Crystal Swing, but Manchester United could use some of their (black) magic at the moment. Four points behind Chelsea and with the Manchester derby at the weekend, to win the title now is a very tough ask. Tevez could haunt his former foster family but if Rooney magically appears then it's game on.The title is now Chelsea's to lose. Much more interesting is the race for fourth place and the battle between Spurs and Chelsea at White Hart Lane tomorrow. United will be hoping that Tottenham can do them a favour because if United lose at Eastlands and Chelsea win it's probably game over and the Blues can clinch the title next weekend if Arsenal drop points. Whatever happens, we can be sure that Spurs Defender Gareth Bale, will be appearing in the Planet of the Apes prequel:

 

COMING SOON: Aranman's End of Season Premiership Players Awards type thingy

Sat 17th April 2010

Manchester City v Man Utd 12:45 (2-2)
Birmingham v Hull City 15:00 (1-0)
Blackburn v Everton 15:00 (3-3)
Fulham v Wolves 15:00 (1-1)
Stoke City v Bolton 15:00 (2-1)
Sunderland v Burnley 15:00 (3-1)
Tottenham v Chelsea 17:30 (1-2)

Sun 18th April 2010
Wigan Athletic v Arsenal 13:30 (0-4)
Portsmouth v Aston Villa 16:00 (0-2)

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