11 February 2010 (Premiership Preview)

It is an F.A. Cup weekend so there are no Premier League fixtures. Thus, in his eternal wisdom and let’s face it blatant laziness, Aranman has decided to shower us with his favourite quotes of the past week. On top of this, and in a desperate attempt to make waves in the comedy circuit of Inis Itty Island, he has also sent us his favourite John Terry infidelity inspired gags. Enjoy.

"I don't understand all the fuss... Avram loves massages, also Australian massages and Japanese massages, as well as having massages from Thai women…He's the manager of Portsmouth. Do you know how tough that is? He's a great manager stuck in a crappy team. He works so hard, he needs two massages a day, and from two women, not one": Avram Grant's hugely understanding wife Tzofit (known in her native Israel for a succession of stunts on her TV show which have included drinking her own urine) after being questioned on her husband being photographed exiting a massage parlour on an industrial unit near Portsmouth's training ground....

"It was a red card. It was a naive tackle": Manchester United Manager Alex Ferguson admits Nani was in the wrong after his crunching tackle on Stilian Petrov on Wednesday night. Let me repeat that, ALEX FERGUSON ADMITS NANI WAS IN THE WRONG. Jim Corr couldn't make that one up.

"When there were no more women left in town I had not slept with, I spent a fortune on taxis going further afield. I could be spending hundreds of pounds a night partying and taking women back to hotels." Sex addict, Danny James, who had to move out of his town because he had slept with EVERY girl in it. The only abbreviation following his name must be STI. Although I hear John Terry is set to make a move...

And speaking of...

Curtain Up. Glasses ready. (To throw) *coughs*

Please welcome to the stage, a man new to comedy... *pause* Although when he was born his Mother did say, "you're having a laugh." *solitary clap* It' s Aranman with his 'Jovial John Terry Treadmill of Jokes.'
 

* Poor Wayne Bridge - he's not even first choice with his missus.

* After Wayne Bridge refused to play for England while John Terry remains captain, fans are now urging JT to try it on with Emile Heskey's wife.

* John Terry has been lined up to star in a new ITV drama. It's called Other Footballers' Wives.

* What do Wayne Bridge and the Titanic have in common? They both should've stayed at Southampton.

* What has Vanessa Perroncel got in common with a Champions League final goalpost? They've both been banged by John Terry.

* Chant heard at Hull v Chelsea: "Chelsea, Chelsea, wherever you may be, Don't leave your wife with John Terry. Cos, he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff, And he'll get your missus up the duff".

* Chant heard at Hull v Chelsea: (To the tune of the Addams Family Theme music) "They say his mum's a stealer, They say his dad's a dealer, He's screwing his mate's Sheila, The Terry Family".

* John Terry has explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty. True story.
 

Aranman is unavailable for Weddings and Ba'mitzvah's. Thank God.

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