10 December 2009 (Premiership Preview)

"I take full responsibility. I have let my family down. I have let my fans down. I have let my trousers down" (Okay, I made up the last one, but technically it's true) - Tiger Woods, offers his head on a plate. His birdie count is now up to ten, and one stroke he pulled starred in powerful adult drama Girl on Girl Tickle Wards. She also has the word "orgasm" tattooed on her upper left thigh, just as a reminder.

"He was different. He seemed perfect. That was the key for me." - John Ziegler, a radio host who set up the fan website, The First Church of Tiger Woods.

"That reputation has now been permanently constrained. His name is a punchline now." - John again, the First Church has shut its doors, but has been rechristened 'The Damnation of Tiger Woods.'

"Rubbish. She can complain all she wants... same old story... move on." - Roy Keane tells Elin Woods where to go. Man, he’s harsh.
 

"Now, have a slice of Mrs Kiely's fruitcake. It'll do you the world of good, Mr. Aranman. I swear to God when I think of you stuck down that hole," exclaimed Mrs Hujarse, as she pushed a slab of fruit brick down on the plate with a knife. "She makes so many of them coming up to Christmas that a few select V.I.Please, like a certain Landlady, get a preview of the product before it hits the Island shop." I laid my head back into the groove at the head of Mrs Hujarse's high leather chair in the sitting room. It had been a long few weeks. "Now, here you are." I stretched out my arms in front of me and she placed a tray on my lap. My feet were perched on a large leather square with strange ornate tiger paws carved out of wood underneath. This, I presumed was one of the spoils of a trip to an exotic location East of Inis Itty Island and many miles from the green hills and barren rocky rolls off land. Sepia tinged photographs on the sideboard showed a man wearing a rather splendid Major General moustache and decked out in desert khaki short sleeve shirt and shorts. He looked like a cross between a maniacally smiling Alan Whicker and Allan Quatermain. Posing with several animals including a tiger, an elephant (in this he had taken to lifting the tusks triumphantly above his head) and a large snake. I was just scanning the rest of the pictures when Hujarse made her entrance, "Oh, you're not looking at those aul things," she said, as she shuffled in front of me. "Who is that in the photos, he looks like a real adventure man," I asked. "Oh him, that's my first husband. That's many years ago now. Rhinos, elephants, buffalos, goats. It didn't



matter, he was just mad for the horn. Now, get that into you and you will be back to your best. A cup of tea and a slice of cake works wonders... bleeeuuurrggghhhhh." Immediately after putting the tray down, Hujarse unleashed a belch that blew my hair out of place, and nearly peeled the freckles from my face. I grimaced accordingly. The air was so dense that I could have knitted myself a new jumper just from the particles. "Oh, my God above. Jesus, I’m so sorry about that, Mr. Aranman," Placing her open hand to her mouth she explained through her fingers, "Mr Brady has a brand new product down the shop. It's an egg in meat. He calls them 'Scotch Eggs'. And, I thought to myself, it's time I had a treat. So, I bought ten. Shur, once I ate the first I couldn't stop, but they've been repeating on me all day." I feigned interest and exclaimed that she may have consumed a few too many, but she just shrugged her shoulders, put her clenched fist to her mouth and trapped a repeat offender.

So, there I sat, caught in a gas leak, thinking of the previous night. The mind draining session had been intense and I collapsed. Lying on the dusty floor like a crumpled heap of coats discarded at a house party. I could feel stones pressing against my face and dirt in my mouth. The hairy gang grabbed me and carried me to another small room in their hovel of horrors. This hollowed out cell had one saving grace, a grill in the ceiling above, which looked like it was the corner of a cattle grid. My eyes began to come around to focus on the shaft of light, and I began to conjure ideas of escape. Without a paper clip and a stick of Juicy Fruit, I had no chance of doing a McGyver, but I remembered a fateful night a few months back. Then, I had seen a beam of light piercing the night sky, beckoning the help of a certain group of vigilante ladies. So, I began to think of ways to get their attention. It was then I heard a scratching at the door and a hushed bark, "Hello, Aranman. It's me, Badger. Fox has lost his mind. He's babbling about the impressive performance of Zac Efron in his new movie, Me & Orson Welles. And how Ronnie Whelan is to play Jeff Daniels in a biopic of his life. He's nuts." After I pleaded with him to help, he scuttled off and came back with a small torch, scissors and some paper. "I won't forget this, Badger," I exclaimed. "Well, take me with you then." I agreed and set about putting my makeshift signal together.

Removing a piece of Aran from my frayed jumper, I placed it above a little teapot that I had cut out from the paper. I then glued both to the top of the torch to attempt to replicate the sign that would summon the Bluerinse Brigade. I waited until darkness to flash my light and pray that the silhouette signal would be heeded. The Irish Countrywoman's Association were my only hope.

To Be Continued...

"There are a lot of people under pressure - there are three million people unemployed in this country, people losing their businesses every 20 minutes, there is a war in Afghanistan, a really good friend of ours here at Bolton is battling against cancer. That's pressure." Gary Megson, Bolton manager, puts things into perspective ahead of a clash with Manchester City, who are glowing after a deserving win over leaders Chelsea in a fierce battle of Eastlands last week. He still failed to point out that his team are second from bottom and have lost four of their last five games. The Trotters number one will be feeling pressure even more after this weekend when he faces a City side that have smashed a hoodoo of draws by beating the League leaders who have beaten Bolton 4-0 twice this season. I sense a slaughter at the Reebok Abattoir. (0-4)

It's time for the Blues Brothers to face each other at Stamford Bridge, as Chelsea take on Everton. I can only see Chelsea shaking their tail feathers after a dismal performance in the Champions League midweek and they will be reloading with the aim firmly on chewing up the Toffees. Everton are only six points off the bottom and have had a disastrous season. Michael Essien will be out for Chelsea so they will have to rely on the 'youngsters' like Joe Cole. Ancelotti said after the draw midweek, "It was not good for us, we played too slowly and too softly." So, expect Everton to take a beating. Men against boys at The Bridge. 3 - 0 to Chelsea.

No sign of Alberto Aquilani. Mascherano refusing to commit long term. Losing to Fiorentina. Out of Champions League. Steven Gerrard confessing, "I think we have to be realistic. At the moment we're out of the title race, but we will keep trying to get back in it. Our main target is to get back into the top four." Where did it all go wrong for Liverpool. That question can only be answered by a balding Spanish man with a little beard. "Que? Meester Benitez." Arsenal won the reverse fixture in the Carling Cup 2 - 1. However, Arsenal are badly missing Van Persie but will be buoyed by the battling performance of their Under 12s midweek. Even stevens. (2 - 2)

Saturday 12th December

Birmingham v West Ham Utd 15:00 (2 - 1)
Stoke City v Wigan Athletic 12:45 (1-1)
Bolton v Manchester City 15:00 (0 - 4)
Burnley v Fulham 15:00 (1- 2)
Chelsea v Everton 15:00 (3 - 0)
Hull City v Blackburn 15:00 (1 - 1)
Sunderland v Portsmouth 15:00 (2 - 0)
Tottenham v Wolves 15:00 (3 - 1)
Man. Utd v Aston Villa 17:30 (2 - 1)

Sunday 13th December
Liverpool v Arsenal 16:00 (2 - 2)
 

PREVIOUS INSTALLMENT OF ARAN MAN

Back to Other Exclusives