01 October 2009 (Premiership Preview)

*"Four Keane Hell for Burnley at White Hart Lane." (geddit?) - Gary Lineker and his surreptitious swear on last Saturday's Match of the Day.

*"Go f*ck yourself" - Roy Keane's not so surreptitious reply to a Dwight York text.

*"This is the most corrupt country in Europe." - Eamon Dunphy, spot on with his assessment; reducing the entire country to a bout of swearing.



The landlady slipped a brown envelope under my door this week. At first I presumed that she mistook me for a FAS board member, cowering rat-like in hiding and receiving his weekly hush money. But, surprisingly, it was a telegram containing the following:

Hi Aran Man,
You've obviously got a lot of time to think out there on the island. Do you get Sky Sports? Is there a football team on the island? Are you going to vote in the Lisbon referendum? All these questions...
Yours,
Happy Chappy

I believe it was left as a comment last week, at least that's what I was told by my Entertainment.ie representative. Ever since the island's Internet signal went down (refer to AranMan3) we have been struggling with our shared access to the World Wide Web. In order to send my rather infrequent and generally hallucinatory scribes, I have to book my time and avail of the two-hour weekly window when the island has access. Unfortunately, I am not receiving any income so I cannot afford the exorbitant prices required. This means that, at times, I have been reduced to turning tricks behind the public toilets in the little village Park in return for some Internet time. Luckily, I attended several horticultural evening classes, and the local Tidy Towns Commiteeeeeeee paid me for working my magic on the dying herbaceous border straddling the wall behind the local convenience. I've always believed in getting my hands dirty so it's good to go down on the knees and pull off what I can. Infact my horticultural inspiration was none other than American science fiction writer and founder of the 'Church of Scientology' L. Ron Hubbard who developed his 'Hubbard Electrometer' to determine whether tomatoes experience pain. His work led him to the conclusion that indeed tomatoes "scream when sliced."

So, 'Happy Chappy,' that probably doesn't answer any of your questions, so this might.

Here we go - Question 1). Do you get Sky Sports?
Unless you are referring to the aerial escapades of the Island's Parachute Club, unfortunately we are unable to receive any type of up to date digital broadcast. Apart from the communal showings at the Community Hall (varying between double bills of Quincy M.D., and The Little Rascals, and reruns of the Best Of... Man Of Aran), we have very little filtered through of current sports news. Instead, as the weekly post arrives every Monday, so do the results of the biggest games in the Premiership. We have no idea what the scores are until he arrives. As he arrives under armed guard he is escorted to the local pub and the envelope is placed in a secure location. It is at this point that the word goes out and the general populace



 converge on the local playing field. Pat 'The Sheep' Sheehy, Inis Itty's 'Herding Champion of Champions' fourteen years running, then proceeds to lead out his trusty Collie and 22 sheep. These are coloured to represent the team strips of the biggest soccer clash the previous weekend. Pat is the only one to see the 'Minute by Minute' report inside the brown envelope, and then behind closed doors he instructs and rehearses with the sheep every kick of that particular game. The game is then recreated perfectly, every tackle, header, pass and goal, although some have been known to be pre-occupied with either defecating where they stand or sniffing each other's areas. So, like I say, perfectly recreated.

2). Is there a football team on the island?
Refer to above.

3). Are you going to vote in the Lisbon referendum?
As you may already be aware, citizens on the islands surrounding Ireland were the first to be allowed to vote, so understandably most people here take that as an indication of their elevated importance and detachment from the Land lubbers. I am unable to vote after my Passport issues returning from Azerbijian working as Chief Football Scout in that area for the Steve Staunton regime. He had instructed me to bring back a kilo of the Nahuatl Cactus, a plant known for its psychoactive alkaloids and used as a supplement to various transcendence practices, like press conferences. He called me babbling incoherently after the infamous Cyprus game, demanding that I resupply him with the hallucinogen as he had now become accustomed to the "little pixies" and "cock men" that were with him every day. The majority of the Islanders will probably be voting on the NO side, as it was pointed out to me by various bar flies the other night, "It's just unnatural for a woman to make love to another woman." I made my excuses and left.

'Happy Chappy,' I hope that helps you understand the exciting life I lead on Inis Itty Island. Any further questions, please place on a postcard and address to 'Roy Keane's Ipswich Fanmail Bag' and I will be sure to reply.

The big clash this week is the team that has been banned from acquiring any new signings until 2011 and the one who could do with at least three if they are to prove believable title rivals. Chelsea, were slapped like a precocious spoilt brat after their relentless pursuit of Gael Kakuta, a talented young player who is now 18. He was lured by a shady Anorak wearing Chelsea to view the Stamford Bridge puppies and breach his contract with the French club Lens when he was only 16. This has meant that the Blues only fresh blood will be filtered from their previous signings and the club's academy and could lead to a seismic change in soccer; ACTUAL HOMEGROWN TALENT. WTF? What a completely insane concept. Chelsea are unbeaten in their last 14 Premier League home games since losing to Arsenal in November 2008 and will want to keep fortress Stamford an impassable Bridge, although they will be smarting after losing to Wonderley Wigan last week. Liverpool are also coming off the back of a Susan Boyle like performance against Fiorentina. Against Hull they raised the roof and did a little jig after a savage Torres hat-rick led them to a 6 - 1 rout of Hull. Fiorentina, however proved to be more lively opposition than just a team of Hull corpses and the Pool looked decidedly exhausted and emotionally drained, and without a jig in sight they looked ready for a weekend in The Priory. With the glut of Premier League goals and with both teams in the top two of shots per game, the Blues have averaged 26 shots per game in the top-flight this season, Liverpool are second with 22 per game, we could see a repeat of the legendary 4 - 4 clash this April at The Bridge. Both teams are firing off bullets like a disgruntled American college student so we are guaranteed goals. I'll put my woolly Y-Fronts on the line and say a six goal thriller, for no other reason than Drogba and Torres will be on fire. This could be a war of attrition with both sides possibly grinding out a draw but I hopefully it will be one awash with goals so will go for 3 - 3.

Also, don't miss Manchester United v Sunderland. Expect Ryan Giggs to once again leap off his mobility scooter and show the new boys how to play. Valencia is looking more lost with every game and I'm expecting him to soon run Derek Mooney like from the stadium after he realises he's in way over his head: "And this is extraordinary, Valencia has raced through the tunnel arms spread wide… Seeeeeee Yaaaaaaaa!" United to win by a single goal, 2 - 1. Finally, Arsenal v Blackburn Rovers on Sunday. Arsenal will undoubtedly overcome the Riversiders, only if they can evade the Hatchet style play enforced by Big Sam. Expect  Arsenal's Da Vinci style brush strokes to pass through the madness of Blackburn's Jackson Pollock approach to football. Arsenal won this previous fixture back in March 4 - 0 so expect more of the same. 3 - 1 to The Gunners. 

Other matches taking place this weekend:

Sat 3rd October 2009
Bolton v  Tottenham 15:00 (1-2)  
Burnley v  Birmingham 15:00 (2-1)  
Hull City v  Wigan Athletic 15:00 (1-1)  
Wolves v  Portsmouth 15:00 (2-1)  
Man Utd v  Sunderland 17:30 (2-1)  

Sun 4th October 2009
Arsenal v  Blackburn 13:30 (3 - 1)  
Everton v  Stoke City 15:00 (1 - 0)  
West Ham Utd  v  Fulham 15:00 (2 - 1)  
Chelsea v  Liverpool 16:00 (3 - 3)
 

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