08 October 2010 (Music Feature)

Mark 'Lenny' Linehan

It was on the 8th of December in 1980 that a bespectacled 25-year-old Mark David Chapman emerged from the darkness of the Dakota Building entrance hall in New York and shot John Lennon five times in the back. The assassin, who said his reason for the killing was to "gain his fame," continues to apply for parole, but even as recently as September of this year, has been turned down every time. He lives on, in the Attica Correctional Facility in New York, but Lennon was pronounced dead on arrival.

However, if Chapman had not carried out the shooting, and if Lennon survived the attentions of the F.B.I., C.I.A. and various other government organizations, and maintained his whip-thin build, then most likely he would be celebrating his 70th birthday this weekend. What would 'The Eggman', 'Dr Winston O'Boogie', 'Mel Torment', or 'Lenny' (good choice) as he was known to the rest of the Fab Four be doing now?
 
Here are some unlikely scenarios you would not have seen John Lennon appear in if he wasn't dead:

• In the most unlikely collaboration since Elmo and Andrea Bocelli, and in response to Paul McCartney's hook-up with Stevie Wonder, John Lennon duets with N-Dubz for 'Imaginz 2010: Sh*t and Ting.' One comment made on youtube sums up the feeling of many Lennon diehards, "Christ, I wish Chapman had gone to Specsavers."

• Lennon reprises his film career. He comes out of hibernation after his early appearance in How I Won The War (1967) to feature as Gandalf's brother in The Hobbit. No brother existed in the books and purists are in uproar, but Peter Jackson said it was an offer he couldn't refuse: "Well I got this video clip of John all decked out in his own home-made wizard outfit and with his long grey hair, glasses and funky accent I just had to write in a cheeky comedy partner to Gandalf."

• John and his son Sean release their own ice cream range, 'Sean & Lenny.' Fans anticipate such flavours as, 'Instant Karamel' and 'Give Pecan A Chance.'

• 41 years on from the original bed-in protest in Amsterdam, John is still the spokesman for the 'Sleepy, Snoozy, Sleepy, Sleep' mattress company.

• He releases a collection of Country songs entitled, John & Yokel. The farm inspired barn burner includes, Whatever Gets You thru the Shite, Stand by Meat, Sgt. Cleetus' Lonely Hearts Club Barn, and Tractor to Ride. 

• During their headlining performance and triumphant reunion in Slane, Noel Gallagher of Oasis welcomes his hero Lennon onto stage for an acoustic duet. This relegates Liam to the side of the stage with a tambourine. His constant cursing mumbles annoy John so much, he grabs his guitar and crashes it over Liam Gallagher's head cartoon style. This enhances Lennon's iconic status even more and he is offered the role of World UN Goodwill Ambassador. Liam is relegated to roadie for the next 'Lennoel' tour. 

• Lennon is revealed as the new owner of Liverpool F.C. Fans are suspicious as he has always been reported to support rivals Everton. Fears are confirmed when he reveals all players will have to bear the number 9, grow Groucho Marx style moustaches and waggle cigars, wear tangerine boots with cheese-single socks, and the hallowed turf of Anfield dyed a strawberry red.

• Finally, Paul and John are reunited, but only as contestants on a special music legends edition of Come Dine With Me. Keef Richards and Mick Jagger make up the foursome. All goes well until John insults Paul about his 'Semolina Pilchards,' "You cooked these Yesterday, ye bastid." He then went on to curse his profiteroles, Paul wanted to let it be, and both had to be separated by a distraught Jagger. Richards went on to win after his "specially" dusted cream sponge had everyone asking for more.

Here is a selection of funny video clips of Lennon/The Beatles in some unusual guises:

Lennon talking about an annoying Violinist and Yesterday.

The Beatles and Jay-Z mixed by Dangermouse. Check out "Lennon" breakdancing!:

Lennon in How I Won The War: