12 March 2010 (Music Premiership Preview)

"I would definitely prefer to know who owns Leeds United. The club is doing OK at the moment so providing the backers are financially stable, given what we've been through I'll be happy. 99 percent of Leeds fans will want to know who owns the club." Simon Rix, bassist with The Kaiser Chiefs talking about his club's unknown offshore owners.

"The fans have the right to know where their hard-earned, spent on ticket fees and shirt sales, is going. It all sounds dodgy and shrouds the business dealings of the club in uncertainty:" Matt Bowman, lead singer with Pigeon Detectives joins in the campaign.

"I have been an idiot, a d***head, a k***head. All of the above and more... It's about me, my mistakes. Nobody else is to blame." Mark Owen, lead singer with Take That doesn't join the campaign to name Leeds United's new owners, but wishes he could be anonymous for the forseeable future. Although I do hear he is now behind Chelsea’s trophy campaign, John Terry and Ashley Cole have welcomed him in with open arms... but only if he passes over his lady contacts.



OBVIOUSLY the horror of last week will stay with me for a long, long time, I have attempted to bleach the eyes and will be hounding the t'internet for some of that Cillit Bang Memory Eraser. I didn't actually get a chance to explain what befell my innocent eyes as I returned from my usual evening jaunt to the Island's shorline, traversing the rocky path and trying to stay upright as the horizontal water javelins they call rain exfoliated my face. Walking in the front door I heard a rustling moan in the living room, and imediately muted my movement. Was it a robber? Where was Mrs Hujarse? What the f*ck is going on in there? I tried to tip-toe past on my haunches but the incessant rustles, whimpers and pleadings got louder. My curiousity pinned me to me spot and my ears lead me to the ajar door. I peered in the crack in the opening and nearly voimted out my eyes. Sitting in the comfy highback chair I could see the back of a big curly cabbage and bacon head with two hands shuffling outstretched like a wavy jazz formation. As I looked up from the head, there she was. An angry cross between Michael Ballack and Hyacinth Bucket, Mrs Hujarse was whizzing her war ration girdle over her head, and dancing like a suggestively arthritic drugged up squirrell in the throes of a fit.

Her blue rinse head bobbled from side to side as the gentleman sitting in the chair clapped and rubbed his hands together loudly. I pulled my eyes back and rubbed them with the thumb and fore finger of my right hand. Looking across the halway I saw a sheepskin coat hanging at the end of the stairs. "Wait a minute, I recognise that fecking thing." Bang! There it was, that dirty ol' bastard Liam Lynch (not the United States of Whatever! sock puppet master, although he could just as easily have aged got fat and escaped to an Aran Island. Let's face it, he hasn’t been heard of in a while). This was the perverted pensioner sitting in the chair. He had arraigned me the week before, giving me a mobile phone in exchange for a date with Hujarse, as though I was some kind of lodger pimp for old ladies. I deferred him as long as possible but he did give me some flowers to give to her, and obviously these had some kind of aphrodisiac affect. Curiousity nearly killed this cat, but the moggy on display should have been locked up and put down. Before I sneaked up to my room, the last vision I have is of Hujarse whipping her concertinaed tights off and flinging them across the room, landing perfectly on the outstretched right hand of her Jesus statue.

Amen.

THIS WEEKEND'S FIXTURES:

My recent run of good form prediction wise means that I can now afford a week of intense therapy to get over my trauma. So, after a good rub of my crystal balls here what I think will happen this week:

Sat 13th March 2010
Tottenham v Blackburn 12:45 (2-1)
Birmingham v Everton 15:00 (1-1)
Bolton v Wigan Athletic 15:00 (3-1)
Burnley v Wolves 15:00 (2-0)
Chelsea v West Ham Utd 15:00 (2-0)
Stoke City v Aston Villa 15:00 (1-2)
Hull City v Arsenal 17:30 (0-4)

Sun 14th March 2010
Man Utd v Fulham 13:30 (2-0)
Sunderland v Manchester City 16:00 (1-3)
 

PREVIOUS ARANMAN

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