The Tourist

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What the hell was Johnny Depp thinking? I'm not just talking about his stupid beard/hair in this utterly inane production, I'm talking about why he'd agree to replace Sam Worthington in a role the Aussie obviously felt wasn't up the scratch. A lifeless and drab affair, The Tourist is momentarily brought to life by Angelina Jolie's glimmering smile, but plummets back to earth every time a line of the strained, "playful" dialogue is uttered.

Jolie is a mysterious woman being tracked by innumerable law enforcement agencies for her involvement with an even more mysterious thief. As she plods around Europe, leading Interpol on a merry dance, she meets Johnny Depp's neurotic Maths teacher. At first just using him to throw the fuzz off the scent, the two soon realise there are sparks between them, but Jolie has a thief/other half to meet, and a bunch of dodgy Russians and jail to avoid. Can a romance blossom amidst all this chaos? Or will Jolie end up a particularly hot extra in Prisoner Cell Block H?

The aim here was obviously to make a light and breezy flick to showcase the palpable charms of its A-list leads. But The Tourist plays like it was written by a committee and Depp's unlikeable nerd, in particular, is misjudged. While the quirky persona he's been injecting into characters has served him well of late, it now feels like a crutch, and he's little more than Hugh Grant with a poncey beard. Von Donnersmarck's flat join-the-dots direction doesn't help; The Object of Others helmer fails to muster up a moment's excitement during the entire running time.

When initially announced that these two actors were headlining a film together, folks got rightly excited about the inevitable sparks. But the chemistry is surprisingly lacking, and given the luminous calibre of its stars, these two should've been farting fireworks without batting an eyelid. It's the film's biggest letdown, as those mushes on the poster are the reason why folks would be parting with their hard earned dough. This so desperately wants to replicate the sexual intensity of Mr and Mrs Smith, but never comes close.

If nothing else, The Tourist proves Sam Worthington a wise selector of material. He knew his proposed role was a nothing part, and the fact that the producers somehow managed to bag Depp instead is wholly perplexing. A drab, predictable film that will barely register as a footnote in the careers of both stars - or so they should hope.