14 February 2012 (Comedy Interview)

Words: Caroline Foran

Ahh St. Valentine's Day. An international holiday invented by Hallmark to make mugs out of those in relationships, forcing them to spend stupid amounts of money on cheap flowers, Argos jewellery and over priced chocolate in order to prove their undying love to their other half, whilst those not romantically involved are left feeling lonely and bitter, opening automated emails from unknown senders that you thought, for just one second, was a genuine message sent just to you. No no, you sad fool. No flowers, no handmade cards, not even a text from the man who swore he'd never let me down - my Dad. Cheers! I figured my beaming enthusiasm and general peppiness for the day that is upon us might be too much for some of you so, I thought, better leave it to those who have this whole Valentine's Day thing nailed. Comedians. Really? Yes. I didn't realise it before, but they're quite the hopeless romantics. 

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone?

Jason Byrne: I once brought home cooking chocolate, and loads of packs of Rice Kripsies from the shop, i then made 100 cakes and lined them out on the ground in the kitchen to read "I love you Joan", it didn't go down well at the time, as i was going out with a girl called Brenda.
Eric Lalor: I once shot a dove with a shotgun, took out it's heart and stuck it to a card with Sellotape. You should have seen her face. The girl's face, not the dove's as that was blown clean off. Inside the card I had written 'Roses are red, violets are blue, I will commit crimes such as murder for you.'
Keith Farnan: At a certain stage in your life, romance just becomes pragmatism plus surprise. When you're young, you think you're doing something romantic when you engrave a poem written in a language you don't understand onto the side of a building in blood (your own or others, depending on your dedication). Later on, you realise that was just stupid and that romance means altering your behaviour as requested by your partner despite your genetic conditioning. So now, you've decided to surprise your loved one by actually putting the cap on the toothpaste before covering your mouth while you sneeze and closing every cupboard door ever made, ever.
Andrew Stanley: I brought a girl away for a night and while at dinner, went back to the room and lit loads of candles so that they would be all good to go when we went back after dinner. What I didn't think would happen was her friends arriving into the same hotel and her insisting that we stayed and had drinks with them as we were away for the night. That was a sad time going back to the room and blowing out those candles let me tell you.
John Colleary: Not ask them out.

What's the most romantic thing you've ever had done for you?

Jason Byrne: I had, "you're the greatest husband ever" beaten into my back with a rose bush, ahhhhhhhhh, i love that woman.
Eric Lalor: I was sent membership to the WWF as a gift once. I was so excited that I nearly split my lycra hotpants doing a clothes line manouvre on my mother. Only to find out afterwards that it was not wrestling and it was something about pandas and saving them or something.
Keith Farnan: Someone once made a film for me. Well, actually it was a trilogy of films and it really touched me in a way I never imagined possible, to the point that I believed wookies were real. Unfortunately, we broke up, so they went away and made another trilogy, which were actually prequels, three soulless merchandise-selling space-vomit prequels.
Andrew Stanley: Um I don't think I have had any over the top romantic things done for me. Well I got an XBox as a present once. That was pretty romantic.
John Colleary: Pretended to be my girlfriend.

 Any disastrous Valentine's day stories?

Jason Byrne: I booked a table at a fancy restaurant in town one Valentine's night, myself and my wife enjoyed the meal, but when the bill came, the food was double the price, "What a disaster!!!", so we left the restaurant twice in disgust.
Eric Lalor: Sending a huge Valentine's wreath made out of roses in the shape of a heart to a girlfriend., when earlier that morning, her Dad was rushed to hospital with a massive heart attack. Still had the receipt though, so not all was lost.
Keith Farnan: There was the time I bought a puppy for an ex-girlfriend but it had rabies. So we had to put her down after she bit the puppy.
Andrew Stanley: When I first started doing comedy I was in a competition and the semi final was in Belfast on Valentine's Day. Needless to say my lady at the time wasn't too impressed but I brought her to Belfast with me and we went for dinner before the gig. After a lovely Indian meal we went to the show and usually I get nervous before gigs but I had never had this many, um, bowel movements prior to a show. When I went on stage and did my thing and we left the venue it turns out she had paid a lot of trips to the bathroom aswell. Let me tell you, Belfast plus food poisoning does not a happy Valentine's make.
John Colleary: I went on a Valentine's date and had a dodgy pizza. We kissed at her front door and I promptly puked in the hedge. She was really impressed.  

What would be your idea of the perfect proposal?

Jason Byrne: Up a 100 foot crane, hanging upside down, with "Will you marry me?", written on your c*ck. No girl would say 'no', No girl I said!!
Eric Lalor: Getting all the Dublin fans on HILL 16 in Croke Park to sing it as a chant. 'Come on you Boys in Blue, I want to marry you, I really do, I bleedin want to have a do... eh... with you' or something to that effect.
Keith Farnan: Probably on one knee with her standing with her back to a steep fatal drop so she would think twice about saying no.
Andrew Stanley: A marriage proposal on the home page of entertainment.ie obviously!!!!! :D (Editor's note: Lick arse.)
John Colleary: 'Let's get divorced.' 

Romantic, aren't they? Your tales of past Valentine's experiences are welcome in the comment section below. 

For more pearls of wisdom from these fantastic Irish comedians, you can check Jason Byrne out on Phantom 105.2 each Monday from 10 - 12; Eric Lalor appears with Gearoid Farrelly in the Source Arts Centre in Thurles this Thursday; Keith Farnan will be taking to the stage at the Paddy Laughs Comedy Festival in The Mill Theatre on Paddy's weekend; Andrew Stanley hosts Mish Mash and The Comedy Cellar in The International Bar on a Tuesday and Wednesday respectively while John Colleary will appear at the Laughter Lounge on Feb 17th. 

Another Editor's Note: Since compiling this piece for your entertainment, sick at home in bed, my Dad has since arrived in with a red rose, Lindt chocolate and a card to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day. Now I feel bad. 

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