13 February 2012 (Comedy Diary)

Rant by: Simon O'Keefe

For whatever reason, there's a lot of comedians looking for an excuse to have a good ole rant these days. Good thing we provide that facility for them right here on entertainment.ie. We're nice like that! This time it's popular stand up and resident MC at the Capital Comedy Club, Simon O'Keefe, who's airing his thoughts on the social networking site taking over our lives (certainly mine anyway), Facebook.

Facebook friend requests make me paranoid.

Facebook is like a bad girlfriend/boyfriend: you spend way more time with it (I almost said logged into it but being logged into your girlfriend/boyfriend is just… yeah let's not go there) than you should, you can't get off it, it stops you from spending time with your real friends, it wants you to play stupid games, take part in stupid games and it doesn't like it when you show people breastfeeding photos.

Facebook is the ultimate on/off relationship. What puts me off it are the friend requests. Not the normal friend requests but the abnormal scary friend requests I seem to keep getting. They are as follows:

#1 Someone whose photo makes them look like a Russian serial killer from a bad 80's movie wants to be friends, ah wait they're only from Drimnagh, they're not a Russian serial killer from a bad 80's movie, hopefully, no wait, people from Drimnagh scare me more.

Or it could be:

#2 Oh dear god that family member is now on Facebook and has found me. Do I either block my Auntie and miss out on a tenner in a card twice a year, or, add her and never post anything about anything I ever do ever again for fear of the texts I'll ultimately get from my Ma. And delete all my previous posts. And pictures. And 'unlike' everything I ever liked especially anything involving even either of 2 girls or 1 cup. And let's not even mention trying to explain to her what an open relationship status means.

Or #3 Someone from school/college wants to be friends even though we never used to talk to each other, not in the bad way, but ten years later might want to talk to me and I've got nothing to say to them and it's going to be awkward but if I don't add them my rejection might tip them over the edge and they'll turn their bedsit in Phibsborough into a heavily armed compound and open fire on a guy delivering Chinese food to the wrong address while screaming 'why is there no T-H in Tallafornia!!!'

Or #4 People who you actually do know in real life and are sound enough but you know from their profile that on Facebook they're going to be massive muppets, not even muppets, less than muppets, some form of sub-muppet, a sock puppet or something. The type of people you kinda have to add but you know all their status updates are going to be spelled wrong AND in text speak so you have absolutely no idea whatsoever what they're saying and they're going to leave them all over all your statuseseses (sic) and that brilliant debate you're having with your friends over whether that train station on the quays in Dublin is named after Whitney 'Heuston' or not is brought to a shuddering halt.

I have 1,060 Facebook friends at the moment. After this I will have less. Or more. To be honest as long as people keep posting funny cat pictures I'm happy out.

Simon O'Keeffe 'Neighbourhood #1 (Love, Sex, Death, The Northside)'
Saturday February 18th, The Workmans Club, 10 Wellington Quay, Dublin 2
01 6706692/wmc@ealtd.ie Doors 8pm Show 9pm
Tickets E10 from Ticketmaster and on the door (includes free admission to late club)

 

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